Everyone thinks the green eyed monster is a bad thing... I don't 100 percent agree. I have been in the most jealous obsessive relationship you could think of, I mistook the obsession for caring! And so did he! We were jealous of friends of the opposite sex and took everything as a dig at our relationship. I've also been in a relationship where there was no jealousy at all because I didn't care enough! Being jealous isn't such a bad thing, it means you care but being over jealous is one of my flaws and something I know I have to control.
I get jealous Sometimes when I don't feel like I'm getting the attention I'm obviously craving and their too busy giving it to someone else. I have so much love, time and effort to give, I have so many different sides to me and my jealousy comes out when I'm not given the time and chance to show all of me. I have took my jealousy under control and I'm not an obsessive jealous anymore, I've learned from that because it didn't work in the past. I do still get jealous, I'm always going to be the jealous type. I'm only the caring jealous, I get jealous because I care and not because I'm obsessed with them and I need their attention... Of course I want their attention but from the start I will look for their attention and not hope that they will eventually want to give me attention. I'm not an attention seeker because wanting your boyfriends attention isn't attention seeking, it's just something that's meant to be in your relationship. I might be the only one who thinks this but when I'm in a relationship I do expect to get enough attention that I feel like I'm in a relationship and not just a friendship.
I know I'm difficult to please but it's because the moment I feel as though their not what I want I end it... I thought it was a bad thing that I just walk away when I feel like things aren't working. My friends and sisters have said it's not such a bad thing to let something go that I'm not 100 percent happy with. I don't want an over jealous boyfriend, but I do want someone who shows they are interested.
Wednesday 13 November 2013
Tuesday 5 November 2013
Er you grew up on a council estate.
So there was always a stigma with growing up on a council estate well especially when I was at secondary school. It was frowned at and felt like I should have been ashamed to live in a council house. Views on council houses can vary from people thinking your poor and can't afford anything to the assumption that you don't even work! Near enough my whole childhood I have lived in a council house and to tell you the truth... It's just a homey.
When I used to go to school everyone used to call our estate the 'corn beef island' now many rumours have gone round of why it was called that and one was that people who lived on that estate could only afford corn beef! Now I find it incredibly funny but back then it hit a nerve. Back then I was ashamed that I wore my sisters hand me downs and that we didn't get pocket money but now I'm proud and glad we had that growing up. I'm not saying we were hard done by, far from it. We had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies so we didn't really go without. My step dad (who you know I class as my real dad) brought us 5 kids up and worked 2 jobs to help support us, some people may think that we were desperate for money by him working 2 jobs, but he enjoyed them both and well of course the money was needed. I would hate to think people look down on my family, my dad has sacrificed so much for his kids and that on its own is something I am proud of.
So apparently you get no where growing up on a council estate well let me just clear a few little things up. Not everyone who lives in council estate doesn't work, actually most people I knew on the estate had jobs. The success rate might be lower for those who live on a council estates to get good jobs but my family have proven the judgemental people wrong.
So my dad worked at a secondary school in the P.E department and now has just got a new job with working with young people. My older brother is a carpenter and although he didn't get good GCSE's he has found a job he enjoys and that he is good at. My eldest sister has graduated university and is now looking to sign up for potentially the police. My other sister works in insurance and has recently moved in with her long term boyfriend. My little brother has finished his course at catering college and is now working towards becoming a chef! Then there's my mum, who yes didn't live on the estate with us for long but has changed her life around and now works as a drug and alcohol misuse worker and recently got a promotion!
Lastly there's me, took me a while to find the right path, made a few mistakes here and there like we ALL do. Got pretty good GCSE'S and left school before I sat my A levels. There's been times where I have regretted leaving higher education, thinking that the best job I could get was cleaning the toilets in some local pub but I set my sites on something higher and something I really didn't have any confidence or knowledge about. I worked in cafe Nero for a year in a few different shops, working my way up the so called 'food chain' but still wasn't happy with that job! So I quit, I started to work in a pub and well didn't really like that at all. One day I came to visit my mum in a small town in West Sussex. We walked through town and I saw a Job advertisement in the window of Santander bank! I took one look at it and thought there's no way I would get that job because I have no A levels or a degree or anything that could possibly get me the job. My mum on the other hand told me to just got for it... So I did! Thinking that I would never get a call, I finally did!
They invited me for an interview where I sat there replying to every question with 'I don't know'. Maybe that was the wrong way to go about it but I knew that there was no way I could wing an answer with a bank manager! During our discussion of previous jobs and experience, I got asked 'are you ashamed you didn't go to university' and I took a moment to take in what he had asked and my answer was; I'm not ashamed I didn't go to university, it is a shame though as I would have loved the experience but it just wasn't the right option for me. Thinking I had screwed my interview up completely I went in search the same day for a new job as I wanted to move to my mums. Ten minutes after the interview I got a phone call offering me the job! I couldn't believe it! I cried my eyes out and asked why I had got it and his answer was that my attitude really drew them to me, they liked the fact that I didn't know much about banking but yet I still had the courage to go to the interview!
I'm not going to lie ... I did wonder whether to take the job or not. This was a 'grown up' job and something I was so nervous about. After a while of going back and forth I finally took the job. I also quit the job 8 months later FOR A BOY! Which I can not say enough times that I regret! Never again will I give up a job that made me feel like I was worth more then what I thought about myself. After a while of searching again I have now found myself another job in a different bank and I am so proud of myself! It has taught me that I am worth a second chance at a good job... And this one I will NOT quit! Especially for my latest squeeze. Having positivity around me helped me get the job, helped me pass my driving test and gives me the strength to strive for the best! If I were to of let everyone who thought growing up on a council estate was shameful get in my head I wouldn't have succeeded in everything I'm so proud to have accomplished.
I won't let anyone bring me down... So you shouldn't either.
When I used to go to school everyone used to call our estate the 'corn beef island' now many rumours have gone round of why it was called that and one was that people who lived on that estate could only afford corn beef! Now I find it incredibly funny but back then it hit a nerve. Back then I was ashamed that I wore my sisters hand me downs and that we didn't get pocket money but now I'm proud and glad we had that growing up. I'm not saying we were hard done by, far from it. We had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies so we didn't really go without. My step dad (who you know I class as my real dad) brought us 5 kids up and worked 2 jobs to help support us, some people may think that we were desperate for money by him working 2 jobs, but he enjoyed them both and well of course the money was needed. I would hate to think people look down on my family, my dad has sacrificed so much for his kids and that on its own is something I am proud of.
So apparently you get no where growing up on a council estate well let me just clear a few little things up. Not everyone who lives in council estate doesn't work, actually most people I knew on the estate had jobs. The success rate might be lower for those who live on a council estates to get good jobs but my family have proven the judgemental people wrong.
So my dad worked at a secondary school in the P.E department and now has just got a new job with working with young people. My older brother is a carpenter and although he didn't get good GCSE's he has found a job he enjoys and that he is good at. My eldest sister has graduated university and is now looking to sign up for potentially the police. My other sister works in insurance and has recently moved in with her long term boyfriend. My little brother has finished his course at catering college and is now working towards becoming a chef! Then there's my mum, who yes didn't live on the estate with us for long but has changed her life around and now works as a drug and alcohol misuse worker and recently got a promotion!
Lastly there's me, took me a while to find the right path, made a few mistakes here and there like we ALL do. Got pretty good GCSE'S and left school before I sat my A levels. There's been times where I have regretted leaving higher education, thinking that the best job I could get was cleaning the toilets in some local pub but I set my sites on something higher and something I really didn't have any confidence or knowledge about. I worked in cafe Nero for a year in a few different shops, working my way up the so called 'food chain' but still wasn't happy with that job! So I quit, I started to work in a pub and well didn't really like that at all. One day I came to visit my mum in a small town in West Sussex. We walked through town and I saw a Job advertisement in the window of Santander bank! I took one look at it and thought there's no way I would get that job because I have no A levels or a degree or anything that could possibly get me the job. My mum on the other hand told me to just got for it... So I did! Thinking that I would never get a call, I finally did!
They invited me for an interview where I sat there replying to every question with 'I don't know'. Maybe that was the wrong way to go about it but I knew that there was no way I could wing an answer with a bank manager! During our discussion of previous jobs and experience, I got asked 'are you ashamed you didn't go to university' and I took a moment to take in what he had asked and my answer was; I'm not ashamed I didn't go to university, it is a shame though as I would have loved the experience but it just wasn't the right option for me. Thinking I had screwed my interview up completely I went in search the same day for a new job as I wanted to move to my mums. Ten minutes after the interview I got a phone call offering me the job! I couldn't believe it! I cried my eyes out and asked why I had got it and his answer was that my attitude really drew them to me, they liked the fact that I didn't know much about banking but yet I still had the courage to go to the interview!
I'm not going to lie ... I did wonder whether to take the job or not. This was a 'grown up' job and something I was so nervous about. After a while of going back and forth I finally took the job. I also quit the job 8 months later FOR A BOY! Which I can not say enough times that I regret! Never again will I give up a job that made me feel like I was worth more then what I thought about myself. After a while of searching again I have now found myself another job in a different bank and I am so proud of myself! It has taught me that I am worth a second chance at a good job... And this one I will NOT quit! Especially for my latest squeeze. Having positivity around me helped me get the job, helped me pass my driving test and gives me the strength to strive for the best! If I were to of let everyone who thought growing up on a council estate was shameful get in my head I wouldn't have succeeded in everything I'm so proud to have accomplished.
I won't let anyone bring me down... So you shouldn't either.
Thursday 31 October 2013
The balance ...
I'm the first to hold my hands up and say when a relationship isn't working, but I'm the last to give up on a friendship. I think I'm the only one who would say that and actually mean it. I used to think my friends were the only people who I knew would be there for me... But they weren't. I thought it was just a duty of being a friend, something you didn't have to worry about and something that just happened naturally. It's natural to me to be a good friend, so why is it so difficult for others? Maybe I just haven't got good friends!
It's taken me so long and I've gone back and forth and i've came to the conclusion that now is the time to give up on a friendship that is most certainly one sided. Oh so you don't need me do you? Well that's okay but when things fell apart before who was the first to be there? Who was the only one who didn't judge or take sides? Oh that was me was it? Well not anymore... You're on your own. I have always felt like I've been on my own, so I guess that means you've always been a shit friend. I felt alone through every break up whether they were serious ones or not, but I bet you didn't? No of course not, because I was there. It doesn't matter anymore because now I've realised what type of friend I do deserve it has made me not bother with the ones who aren't good enough.
It's the same with boys, now I've seen what it's like to have someone who honestly doesn't want to hurt my feelings, I'm not going to waste my time with ones who act like they do. I understand that some friends are more laid back than others and I get it... I'm 'full on' but wouldn't you rather have someone who cared too much then to not care at all? Because I certainly would. I wouldn't want someone who was unsure on a friendship or relationship because I'm not a maybe person. I hate the word maybe, it's either a yes or no, a here or there and no in between. There can't be one, because if there's is then that's where confusing comes into things, that's when boundaries get crossed and feelings get hurt. And I sure know what it's like to have my feelings hurt.
It's taken me so long and I've gone back and forth and i've came to the conclusion that now is the time to give up on a friendship that is most certainly one sided. Oh so you don't need me do you? Well that's okay but when things fell apart before who was the first to be there? Who was the only one who didn't judge or take sides? Oh that was me was it? Well not anymore... You're on your own. I have always felt like I've been on my own, so I guess that means you've always been a shit friend. I felt alone through every break up whether they were serious ones or not, but I bet you didn't? No of course not, because I was there. It doesn't matter anymore because now I've realised what type of friend I do deserve it has made me not bother with the ones who aren't good enough.
It's the same with boys, now I've seen what it's like to have someone who honestly doesn't want to hurt my feelings, I'm not going to waste my time with ones who act like they do. I understand that some friends are more laid back than others and I get it... I'm 'full on' but wouldn't you rather have someone who cared too much then to not care at all? Because I certainly would. I wouldn't want someone who was unsure on a friendship or relationship because I'm not a maybe person. I hate the word maybe, it's either a yes or no, a here or there and no in between. There can't be one, because if there's is then that's where confusing comes into things, that's when boundaries get crossed and feelings get hurt. And I sure know what it's like to have my feelings hurt.
Wednesday 30 October 2013
Relationships...
I thought I knew the foundations to a successful relationship, I couldn't figure out why I had so many failed relationships in the past, I thought I was doing everything right and that they just weren't right for me. You're probably going to read this laughing and thinking that I see myself as a love guru, which I don't! But seeings though I changed my boyfriend more often then I changed my knickers I think I know what a shit relationship is. I'm not religious in any way shape or form, I mean I haven't read the bible and I don't know much about what it contains but I thought I could use the aspect of the Ten Commandments to explain things that I think are needed in a successful relationship, so here are the ten components needed in a good relationship... I might be wrong and I might have the wrong idea of what a good relationship is but I know the type of relationship I want... When I eventually meet someone who will put up with me!
So firstly, friendship; how can you base any relationship without having some sort of friendship there? This is why most rushed relationships I have had haven't worked, because I didn't know much about them and I don't think I wanted to. I think I just wanted a relationship for the sake of it, I didn't know their hopes and dreams and I didn't care about their fears... All I cared about was not being alone.
The second one is trust alongside loyalty, which connects to friendship, how can you have a successful relationship if you haven't learned to trust them, you can't go from being strangers one day to lovers the next how do you know you can trust them? I think my past relationships have failed because I thought I could trust them without even giving them the advantages of being trusted, I would be paranoid and constantly questioning their actions because I hadn't learned to trust them before starting a relationship. I never thought anyone would be loyal to me because I didn't know them enough as a person before I jumped in head first, I thought smothering them would make them loyal and make them think that I cared so much, which is true, I do care so much about everyone... In fact I probably care too much.
Thirdly honesty, yes I have spoken about trust and loyalty but honesty is a bit different. It's the bit where you say 'I fucked up' of course no one wants to be with a cheat, no one deserves to be cheated on and I'm not saying it happens in every relationship but if you can't be honest with yourself then your more than likely not going to be honest to your partner. Okay so honesty can be a little bit sugar coated like the whole 'does my bum look big in this' saying, because if I asked my partner that I would hope they would be honest and say yes! Because I know I have a big bum and I would rather them embrace it with me then to say no. All joking aside ... If you lie to someone once then they will always expect lies to come out of your mouth. That leads back to trust and loyalty, no one will trust you or think you are loyal if your not honest with them.
The forth is forgiveness, I'm not saying if someone does do the dirty on you that you should forgive them, but if there's something your on the fence about or didn't exactly know the full details rather then sack them off...which is one of my previous mistakes, try to work through them. I know that I have millions of things that annoy me and the smallest thing can make me hold a grudge but I need to learn to be more relaxed and not so specific with every little detail because then I won't feel the need to go through the forgiving process which I always seem to hold onto and not get over the thing I've supposedly forgiven them for.
Laughter is the next, now I'm not saying I'm the funniest person you'll ever meet, I probably think I'm more funny then I am but that's okay because it keeps the excitement alive. Yes I laugh at my own jokes, but don't we all? Personally I can't be in a relationship where everything is so serious, I know I can talk about serious things but I also need to laugh and to feel as though I make someone else laugh, I don't mean they have to wet themselves at everything I say because well I would be a bit concerned that they were laughing at my stupidity rather then my jokes.
Now for happiness, there is a thin line between being happy in a relationship and being in a relationship out of habit. I know I've been in relationships in the past because I was comfortable with the situation and I didn't necessarily want to be with them but I didn't want anyone else to either, that's not happiness that's habit... Lucky enough I worked that out sooner rather than later.
The seventh is hope, you might be thinking why would you want a relationship based on hope, well hope is the one thing that keeps a relationship going ... Having the hope you will get through the bad to lead to the good, the hope that things will get better and the hope that maybe if you think your old and wise enough that the person your with could potentially be the person you spend the rest of your life with. I'm not saying that you have to feel that straight away but everyone's hopes are that they have a happy long relationship. I think I had given up on most my relationships too easily, I don't think I hoped anything would get better and that we could work through it, I think I just gave up... Which has made me what I am today and made me learn from giving up.
The next is lust, yes yes yes the word everyone's a bit too scared to say... Sex! I'm not saying every relationship isn't going to work without sex because everyone's relationships are different... Sounds strange but all the things I have said above should really come before having sex with someone... If you want a relationship, if not then fuck away. In the past it wasn't the whole idea of sex that was 'difficult' to get with me, if anything the challenge was to get to know me... Because having sex with someone is pretty easy if you know what your doing but getting to know someone who has shut themselves away from everyone is the difficult bit. If you have had sex with me, I'm not being funny but that's no accomplishment! If you have got to know me, the real me and still stuck about well that's the accomplishment.
The ninth is compromise, a word I really learned the meaning to yesterday. How can you be in a relationship if your not prepared to compromise a bit of your time and effort and give it to someone who maybe you hadn't done before. A relationship won't last forever if it's one sided, because the person that's making all the effort... Which is usually me always gets fed up of being the only one who cares. Compromising doesn't just mean giving someone a bit of your time, it also works when you need to compromise to give yourself a bit of time and stop giving it all to someone else. Compromising isn't difficult if you feel it's worth it.
The tenth is love... Now I'm the type of person who believes in love at first sight, this doesn't mean the second we meet I will love you straight away but first impressions can set off millions of thoughts, feelings and hope for the future. I don't believe you can learn to love someone, it's just something that happens at any time and for any reason. You don't have to love someone to be in a relationship with them but if the relationship has every factor then love will form. Right time, right place and right person.
So firstly, friendship; how can you base any relationship without having some sort of friendship there? This is why most rushed relationships I have had haven't worked, because I didn't know much about them and I don't think I wanted to. I think I just wanted a relationship for the sake of it, I didn't know their hopes and dreams and I didn't care about their fears... All I cared about was not being alone.
The second one is trust alongside loyalty, which connects to friendship, how can you have a successful relationship if you haven't learned to trust them, you can't go from being strangers one day to lovers the next how do you know you can trust them? I think my past relationships have failed because I thought I could trust them without even giving them the advantages of being trusted, I would be paranoid and constantly questioning their actions because I hadn't learned to trust them before starting a relationship. I never thought anyone would be loyal to me because I didn't know them enough as a person before I jumped in head first, I thought smothering them would make them loyal and make them think that I cared so much, which is true, I do care so much about everyone... In fact I probably care too much.
Thirdly honesty, yes I have spoken about trust and loyalty but honesty is a bit different. It's the bit where you say 'I fucked up' of course no one wants to be with a cheat, no one deserves to be cheated on and I'm not saying it happens in every relationship but if you can't be honest with yourself then your more than likely not going to be honest to your partner. Okay so honesty can be a little bit sugar coated like the whole 'does my bum look big in this' saying, because if I asked my partner that I would hope they would be honest and say yes! Because I know I have a big bum and I would rather them embrace it with me then to say no. All joking aside ... If you lie to someone once then they will always expect lies to come out of your mouth. That leads back to trust and loyalty, no one will trust you or think you are loyal if your not honest with them.
The forth is forgiveness, I'm not saying if someone does do the dirty on you that you should forgive them, but if there's something your on the fence about or didn't exactly know the full details rather then sack them off...which is one of my previous mistakes, try to work through them. I know that I have millions of things that annoy me and the smallest thing can make me hold a grudge but I need to learn to be more relaxed and not so specific with every little detail because then I won't feel the need to go through the forgiving process which I always seem to hold onto and not get over the thing I've supposedly forgiven them for.
Laughter is the next, now I'm not saying I'm the funniest person you'll ever meet, I probably think I'm more funny then I am but that's okay because it keeps the excitement alive. Yes I laugh at my own jokes, but don't we all? Personally I can't be in a relationship where everything is so serious, I know I can talk about serious things but I also need to laugh and to feel as though I make someone else laugh, I don't mean they have to wet themselves at everything I say because well I would be a bit concerned that they were laughing at my stupidity rather then my jokes.
Now for happiness, there is a thin line between being happy in a relationship and being in a relationship out of habit. I know I've been in relationships in the past because I was comfortable with the situation and I didn't necessarily want to be with them but I didn't want anyone else to either, that's not happiness that's habit... Lucky enough I worked that out sooner rather than later.
The seventh is hope, you might be thinking why would you want a relationship based on hope, well hope is the one thing that keeps a relationship going ... Having the hope you will get through the bad to lead to the good, the hope that things will get better and the hope that maybe if you think your old and wise enough that the person your with could potentially be the person you spend the rest of your life with. I'm not saying that you have to feel that straight away but everyone's hopes are that they have a happy long relationship. I think I had given up on most my relationships too easily, I don't think I hoped anything would get better and that we could work through it, I think I just gave up... Which has made me what I am today and made me learn from giving up.
The next is lust, yes yes yes the word everyone's a bit too scared to say... Sex! I'm not saying every relationship isn't going to work without sex because everyone's relationships are different... Sounds strange but all the things I have said above should really come before having sex with someone... If you want a relationship, if not then fuck away. In the past it wasn't the whole idea of sex that was 'difficult' to get with me, if anything the challenge was to get to know me... Because having sex with someone is pretty easy if you know what your doing but getting to know someone who has shut themselves away from everyone is the difficult bit. If you have had sex with me, I'm not being funny but that's no accomplishment! If you have got to know me, the real me and still stuck about well that's the accomplishment.
The ninth is compromise, a word I really learned the meaning to yesterday. How can you be in a relationship if your not prepared to compromise a bit of your time and effort and give it to someone who maybe you hadn't done before. A relationship won't last forever if it's one sided, because the person that's making all the effort... Which is usually me always gets fed up of being the only one who cares. Compromising doesn't just mean giving someone a bit of your time, it also works when you need to compromise to give yourself a bit of time and stop giving it all to someone else. Compromising isn't difficult if you feel it's worth it.
The tenth is love... Now I'm the type of person who believes in love at first sight, this doesn't mean the second we meet I will love you straight away but first impressions can set off millions of thoughts, feelings and hope for the future. I don't believe you can learn to love someone, it's just something that happens at any time and for any reason. You don't have to love someone to be in a relationship with them but if the relationship has every factor then love will form. Right time, right place and right person.
Monday 28 October 2013
Me.
Don't call me crazy, stupid, mad or full on. To me that's all normal, it's something that my head thinks is right and it's a part of me. You may think I over react to things or I'm full on but to me that's the right way to go about it all. When you know me as well as you'll ever need to you'll realise that everything I do is nature to me, it's not me going off on one because it's just the way I deal with things. I don't have to put up with people who constantly put me down and call me things which to me make no sense to me. Is this putting you off me? Making you think I'm 'crazy' ? Because I've had enough of all them names being thrown at me ... I'm me! And like I've said before ... I'm NOT perfect, I've never claimed to be. Learn to love my flaws or don't love me at all.
I'm not going to change for anyone because in my head I'm reacting the same way that you should... If you cared as much as i do. Okay so I'm obviously not right for anyone I've met so far but that doesn't bother me because they haven't been right for me either. Deal with me or don't but just don't waste my time letting me think you care. Don't make me feel 100 feet tall to just knock me down again. If you think I'm mad what do you think your negativity towards me is going to achieve? I'm my worst critic and I don't need anyone else to try and compete for that role.
I'm not going to change for anyone because in my head I'm reacting the same way that you should... If you cared as much as i do. Okay so I'm obviously not right for anyone I've met so far but that doesn't bother me because they haven't been right for me either. Deal with me or don't but just don't waste my time letting me think you care. Don't make me feel 100 feet tall to just knock me down again. If you think I'm mad what do you think your negativity towards me is going to achieve? I'm my worst critic and I don't need anyone else to try and compete for that role.
Oh boy.
I haven't wrote on my blog for a while now and thought it was about time I updated it! This is probably the longest I've been single in a while and usually I would have sacked off a few boys after a week of 'seeing' them, because I push and push to see how much I can until they break and walk away. I'm not entirely sure why I do it, I think it's just to put them through their paces and see how much of me they can take.
I know I'm impossible but how long will it take them to realise and get fed up. I know there's a few things I need to work on like being too keen and trying to get into a relationship before I have figured out if I even like them that much. I also need to work on trusting people but trust is earned not given so I don't owe them anything from the start, they have to prove it ...not by doing certain things but just by being themselves.
I'm not going to lie I like being in a relationship, I like the security and reassurance that someone is there for me. I like knowing that someone thinks good of me instead of these little patches where I feel not important to anyone. I put so much effort and thought into every little detail once I've met someone, probably to show them that yes I can be moody, snap and a bit unpredictable but I do think a lot of them and I do want things to work even if one minute I'm up and the next I'm down.
It's difficult to understand someone when your not in a relationship with them, well from my point of view anyway. I never know how much is too much, or when to let them have my trust when usually it gets broken almost straight away. Until you understand me you can't be with me, well that's going to be difficult because half the stuff I do or say I don't really understand but there's always reasons behind it. If your the boy that understands me and comes back time after time because there's just something there you don't want to give up on... Then your right for me and if you have read all my blog and still see me the same as you already did ... Then your right for me.
I'm not saying this 'boy' already exists and I'm not saying we will live happily ever after because you never know what's round the corner but if your the boy who has read this and still thinks he can make it work... The rest doesn't need to be said.
I know I'm impossible but how long will it take them to realise and get fed up. I know there's a few things I need to work on like being too keen and trying to get into a relationship before I have figured out if I even like them that much. I also need to work on trusting people but trust is earned not given so I don't owe them anything from the start, they have to prove it ...not by doing certain things but just by being themselves.
I'm not going to lie I like being in a relationship, I like the security and reassurance that someone is there for me. I like knowing that someone thinks good of me instead of these little patches where I feel not important to anyone. I put so much effort and thought into every little detail once I've met someone, probably to show them that yes I can be moody, snap and a bit unpredictable but I do think a lot of them and I do want things to work even if one minute I'm up and the next I'm down.
It's difficult to understand someone when your not in a relationship with them, well from my point of view anyway. I never know how much is too much, or when to let them have my trust when usually it gets broken almost straight away. Until you understand me you can't be with me, well that's going to be difficult because half the stuff I do or say I don't really understand but there's always reasons behind it. If your the boy that understands me and comes back time after time because there's just something there you don't want to give up on... Then your right for me and if you have read all my blog and still see me the same as you already did ... Then your right for me.
I'm not saying this 'boy' already exists and I'm not saying we will live happily ever after because you never know what's round the corner but if your the boy who has read this and still thinks he can make it work... The rest doesn't need to be said.
Friday 27 September 2013
Chapter three, part five.
Sometimes I wonder what did I ever see in him? Not just one of the boys but any of them. I gave up everything for him once! I quit my job! Which I regret massively, why did I put so much into something so unpredictable? Am I just stupid? Or do I have so much love to give that I will sacrifice so much in order to get love in return? I let some boy talk about the future with me and then all of a sudden I let my imagination run wild and I drop everything for them. What a big mistake! What made me think he was different to the others? What made me think that I could let my guard down and trust him? He's just as pathetic as the rest of the them.
All pretending like I can trust them, and then showing their real colours a little too late. I can't believe I quit my job for him! i've learnt from it now though, felt like once we broke up it just dragged on, constantly ringing and texting each other like we had something to save... Which we didn't. Feel like meeting him has made me backtrack on things I never thought I would but I can't be blamed.
I thought I was doing fine with no boyfriend before I met him and then I relied on him like he was the air that I breathed. I don't need him! I don't need any of them. Thought I could tell the differences between someone genuily being nice and someone who's just after one thing... Turns out I was wrong. So yet again I've wasted my time with another boy, don't act surprised like you weren't waiting for it to happen... Because I'm not. I'm not surprised I got drawn in and I'm not surprised I got hurt. I don't think anything bad surprises me anymore. When will my luck changed?
All pretending like I can trust them, and then showing their real colours a little too late. I can't believe I quit my job for him! i've learnt from it now though, felt like once we broke up it just dragged on, constantly ringing and texting each other like we had something to save... Which we didn't. Feel like meeting him has made me backtrack on things I never thought I would but I can't be blamed.
I thought I was doing fine with no boyfriend before I met him and then I relied on him like he was the air that I breathed. I don't need him! I don't need any of them. Thought I could tell the differences between someone genuily being nice and someone who's just after one thing... Turns out I was wrong. So yet again I've wasted my time with another boy, don't act surprised like you weren't waiting for it to happen... Because I'm not. I'm not surprised I got drawn in and I'm not surprised I got hurt. I don't think anything bad surprises me anymore. When will my luck changed?
Monday 23 September 2013
Chapter three, part four.
Time to face the music, time to listen to advice and time to listen to my head. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue, hold your hands high and admit your stubborn. I normally own up to my mistakes and what I have done but falling out with my best friend wasn't either of our faults. I always said I felt alone and like I had no one, I look back on photos of us and see how close we were... And how we still can be. Maybe I think no ones there for me because I'm not there for myself. I don't let myself listen to my heart when I'm hurting, I just try to fix it without finding out what the problem is. I don't let my thoughts circulate too long without assuming the worst. I assume a lot of the time, I over think and second guess everyone's intentions... But should I really be doing that with my best friend of 6/7 years?
No. I should trust her and I do... I make an effort with everyone regardless of whether they do with me... Because I do care. I will be the only one to say it because I might just be the only one stupid enough but I would give an arm and a leg to go back and not jump to conclusion when it comes to the girl that helped me through a hell of a lot. Her family have been a second family to me, I've spent Christmas and birthdays with them, New Years (not that I've been sober to remember) and spent many times crying in their arms.
Family always forgive each other, and that's the only thought that goes through my head when I have a moody moment and think that my best friend isn't there... She ISN'T just a best friend, she IS my family, and has been for as long as I can remember. She sees me through every mood, lucky her! She has put up with me saying one day 'I love him' and the next change my mind and change the boy. Everyone says their best friend is 'the best' but honestly would your best friend put up with you being so unpredictable all the time? Constantly feeling like the world is against you and still yet feel like they are there?
I always say 'your lucky because you can walk away from me and block me out your life, but I can't run away from me! I have to put up with me 24/7' so count yourself lucky. My best friend deserves to be named, Cailin Bower. Although I'm such a handful she's used to big things so she can put up with me!
I'm not saying my family aren't good enough because of course they are but when it comes to birthdays, Christmases or other celebrations I don't want to have to choose whether I spend it with my mum or step dad, it's not fair to put that on anyone... That's why I spend it with Cailin and her family, I am part of their family and fit in right in the middle, all snug and sound along side with Cailins boyfriend and Hannah's best friend. I'm not saying I won't be moody again, because its me... But for now, I'm feeling incredibly lucky to have her and her family.
No. I should trust her and I do... I make an effort with everyone regardless of whether they do with me... Because I do care. I will be the only one to say it because I might just be the only one stupid enough but I would give an arm and a leg to go back and not jump to conclusion when it comes to the girl that helped me through a hell of a lot. Her family have been a second family to me, I've spent Christmas and birthdays with them, New Years (not that I've been sober to remember) and spent many times crying in their arms.
Family always forgive each other, and that's the only thought that goes through my head when I have a moody moment and think that my best friend isn't there... She ISN'T just a best friend, she IS my family, and has been for as long as I can remember. She sees me through every mood, lucky her! She has put up with me saying one day 'I love him' and the next change my mind and change the boy. Everyone says their best friend is 'the best' but honestly would your best friend put up with you being so unpredictable all the time? Constantly feeling like the world is against you and still yet feel like they are there?
I always say 'your lucky because you can walk away from me and block me out your life, but I can't run away from me! I have to put up with me 24/7' so count yourself lucky. My best friend deserves to be named, Cailin Bower. Although I'm such a handful she's used to big things so she can put up with me!
I'm not saying my family aren't good enough because of course they are but when it comes to birthdays, Christmases or other celebrations I don't want to have to choose whether I spend it with my mum or step dad, it's not fair to put that on anyone... That's why I spend it with Cailin and her family, I am part of their family and fit in right in the middle, all snug and sound along side with Cailins boyfriend and Hannah's best friend. I'm not saying I won't be moody again, because its me... But for now, I'm feeling incredibly lucky to have her and her family.
Tuesday 17 September 2013
Chapter three, part three.
I am grateful for the friends I had and the memories we shared, I feel like they are only there when push comes to shove. I used to have someone there for me day to day... But that was which ever boy I fancied and not a true friend who would care. I know everyone has their own lives and routines, I just thought I would fit into them somehow as I would drop anything for any of my friends. I think maybe that's because my life is so unpredictable, I'm not afraid to run away... It's what I normally do and everyone else says how shit Whitstable is yet they don't leave? The world is your oyster... Not just Whitstable.
I do feel close to my family however far away they are. We live all over the place but I know I can rely on them. One cries, we all cry, one laughs, we all laugh... That's the family curse. My mum is like my best friend, not living with her has made our relationship what it is today, and I am grateful. Some people would think why am I grateful that I didn't grow up living with my mum and some heartless people say 'I would never leave my kids' well if you leave your kids to better both yours and their lives then that's the bravest thing a parent could do. I wouldn't know exactly how difficult it is because I've never done it, but my mum did and its not something she or us will hide away from, after all if we were ashamed or angry with her we would of held it against her but we haven't.By my mum leaving it gave all of us kids the bond that we will share forever, that extra closeness and love. We all know what love is, not just know what it is but actually know what it feels like, and we all know what it feels like to love someone and miss them. We all know what it's like to understand that you can love someone and leave, for the better. I will feel an endless closeness with my mum and her side of the family.
It's upsetting to think that I have a whole other half of a family out there who i don't know. My real dad (who we all call the sperm donor, because that's basically all he did) has ruined any relationship he would have had with any of his 7 kids by not caring. We don't need him and we never will. My dad is John Rowden and he is the only dad us kids will ever need. Although I have my real dads surname and I class myself as half Greek, I know I am a Rowden at heart.
I do feel close to my family however far away they are. We live all over the place but I know I can rely on them. One cries, we all cry, one laughs, we all laugh... That's the family curse. My mum is like my best friend, not living with her has made our relationship what it is today, and I am grateful. Some people would think why am I grateful that I didn't grow up living with my mum and some heartless people say 'I would never leave my kids' well if you leave your kids to better both yours and their lives then that's the bravest thing a parent could do. I wouldn't know exactly how difficult it is because I've never done it, but my mum did and its not something she or us will hide away from, after all if we were ashamed or angry with her we would of held it against her but we haven't.By my mum leaving it gave all of us kids the bond that we will share forever, that extra closeness and love. We all know what love is, not just know what it is but actually know what it feels like, and we all know what it feels like to love someone and miss them. We all know what it's like to understand that you can love someone and leave, for the better. I will feel an endless closeness with my mum and her side of the family.
It's upsetting to think that I have a whole other half of a family out there who i don't know. My real dad (who we all call the sperm donor, because that's basically all he did) has ruined any relationship he would have had with any of his 7 kids by not caring. We don't need him and we never will. My dad is John Rowden and he is the only dad us kids will ever need. Although I have my real dads surname and I class myself as half Greek, I know I am a Rowden at heart.
Chapter three, part two.
I know I'm a handful, actually I'm more than a handful! I'm difficult, easy to please but yet hard. I give so much grief to not only boys but to my friends too. I never feel like I'm good enough for them. I never feel like they treat me as much as I deserve or as well as I treat them. I constantly feel like I need to fight for attention even from my friends! Why don't they have the time for me? I think so highly of them but yet I feel like I'm the only one who makes an effort. I've moved away and I hold my hands up I am jealous that I'm not there, I didn't expect their lives to pause when I moved away but I hoped our friendship would have stayed the same but it didn't.
I feel like I have coped alone through things in my life because my friends don't understand. I acted like I was fine when I wasn't, they didn't know i was secretly meeting boys because they weren't that good of a friend to me to see I was actually hurting inside from different things. I didn't cope well with my first major break up but yet they didn't know because they didn't have enough time to give me. Then on top of that I moved on from one boy to the next, just because I've had loads of boyfriends doesn't mean each break up hurt less. I felt less and less important as time went on.
I didn't have someone there to give me a hug and say we can get through this, I didn't have someone to say you are worth more then what you are doing to yourself. I felt so alone... And yet now I've moved away again I don't think I could count my friends on one hand because they haven't contacted me to see how I am or what I'm getting up to.
The reason I don't try with them anymore is because I constantly give out so much love and get none in return, I constantly make an effort to travel down and surprise people but who's doing it for me? Who's showing me that I am worth something? And that it does get better even when I feel like I'm going round in circles. I'm going to be honest because why should I hide back my feelings? I always tell people how I feel or write it to them and yet nothing's changed? It doesn't go back to the way it was... When in my head it was suppose to make everything better.
Writing a blog will probably put any new boys off! And make my friends feel like their not my friends anymore, but you are... Just because I'm speaking my mind and trying to show that I'm not fake or a people please, only person I want to please is myself ... Because I've tried to please everyone else and so far it hasn't worked. So until someone makes an effort with me... I won't with them. I'm me and I'm not going to change to make you like me, I deserve to be loved and liked the way I am just like everyone else is. I just need someone who can cope with my mood swings, deal with my paranoia and stay by my side until I trust them and then it will get better... Not completely perfect because I never will be, but it will get better. It has to!
I feel like I have coped alone through things in my life because my friends don't understand. I acted like I was fine when I wasn't, they didn't know i was secretly meeting boys because they weren't that good of a friend to me to see I was actually hurting inside from different things. I didn't cope well with my first major break up but yet they didn't know because they didn't have enough time to give me. Then on top of that I moved on from one boy to the next, just because I've had loads of boyfriends doesn't mean each break up hurt less. I felt less and less important as time went on.
I didn't have someone there to give me a hug and say we can get through this, I didn't have someone to say you are worth more then what you are doing to yourself. I felt so alone... And yet now I've moved away again I don't think I could count my friends on one hand because they haven't contacted me to see how I am or what I'm getting up to.
The reason I don't try with them anymore is because I constantly give out so much love and get none in return, I constantly make an effort to travel down and surprise people but who's doing it for me? Who's showing me that I am worth something? And that it does get better even when I feel like I'm going round in circles. I'm going to be honest because why should I hide back my feelings? I always tell people how I feel or write it to them and yet nothing's changed? It doesn't go back to the way it was... When in my head it was suppose to make everything better.
Writing a blog will probably put any new boys off! And make my friends feel like their not my friends anymore, but you are... Just because I'm speaking my mind and trying to show that I'm not fake or a people please, only person I want to please is myself ... Because I've tried to please everyone else and so far it hasn't worked. So until someone makes an effort with me... I won't with them. I'm me and I'm not going to change to make you like me, I deserve to be loved and liked the way I am just like everyone else is. I just need someone who can cope with my mood swings, deal with my paranoia and stay by my side until I trust them and then it will get better... Not completely perfect because I never will be, but it will get better. It has to!
Monday 16 September 2013
Chapter three, part one.
Now for another adventure, another move and another chapter to create. It's been a while since I put pen to paper and wrote down my thoughts. Since writing my blog online and having more views then I could imagine I thought it was time to test my bravery. I wrote my other parts of my blog a while ago when my head was in a different place and now I want to see if I can still write like before. I know my life is far from perfect but I feel as though I have came along way from my teenage years. In a months time I won't be a teenager anymore so now I can't blame my mood swings on just being a teenager... Lets find a new excuse.
It's crazy how 18 is classed as an adult but yet technically your still a teenager until 20? Strange how people say grow up but yet your still in the middle of an adult and a child. I sometimes think I'm an adult until I realise I still live with my mum and until I move out I will still be a kid, as everyone will always be a kid in their parents eyes. To think at my age my mum had a mortgage and was pregnant with her first child, oh how times have changed. I can't imagine my mum ever being young... But then again I can't imagine me becoming old! I never want to get old!
There were a lot of things I never wanted to do ... But I did. There's no excuses for any of if because I wouldn't have done it I'm the first place. I have re wrote my book when I made it into a blog because I wanted to sugar coat it, I didn't want everyone to know me 100% after all how can anyone know me that well when I'm still trying to figure me out! I'm learning from previous mistakes and taking control of what I want to happen. Of course I'm going to make mistakes, everyone does! But as long as it's not one I should have learned from before its okay.
My dads saying is 'don't think... Know' well dad your advice has worked! And now I know, I am proud of me! I'm proud of everything I have came through even if anyone else isn't. I'm proud for 1. Writing a book and putting pen to paper, 2. Uploading it online and sharing it with people and 3. Feeling as though I have overcome my fear of letting people get to know me. I was nervous to let everyone have an insight into how I feel and what I've been through but now I've shared it all and the only way is up.
It's crazy how 18 is classed as an adult but yet technically your still a teenager until 20? Strange how people say grow up but yet your still in the middle of an adult and a child. I sometimes think I'm an adult until I realise I still live with my mum and until I move out I will still be a kid, as everyone will always be a kid in their parents eyes. To think at my age my mum had a mortgage and was pregnant with her first child, oh how times have changed. I can't imagine my mum ever being young... But then again I can't imagine me becoming old! I never want to get old!
There were a lot of things I never wanted to do ... But I did. There's no excuses for any of if because I wouldn't have done it I'm the first place. I have re wrote my book when I made it into a blog because I wanted to sugar coat it, I didn't want everyone to know me 100% after all how can anyone know me that well when I'm still trying to figure me out! I'm learning from previous mistakes and taking control of what I want to happen. Of course I'm going to make mistakes, everyone does! But as long as it's not one I should have learned from before its okay.
My dads saying is 'don't think... Know' well dad your advice has worked! And now I know, I am proud of me! I'm proud of everything I have came through even if anyone else isn't. I'm proud for 1. Writing a book and putting pen to paper, 2. Uploading it online and sharing it with people and 3. Feeling as though I have overcome my fear of letting people get to know me. I was nervous to let everyone have an insight into how I feel and what I've been through but now I've shared it all and the only way is up.
Sunday 15 September 2013
Chapter two, part three.
The suns coming out and so are the memories of why I left this house in the first place. My house is full of people but I always feel alone. I left this home when I was 16 and now I've actually came back and I feel more alone now then ever! Even though I'm 18 and more independent and sharing a room! I'm not at all blaming my family because it could just be Whitstable... Or maybe just me.
Me... Why do I have so much going on? Anxiety, paranoia and trust issues! Is it because the two people in your life you don't have to doubt will be there are your parents? And my real dad hasn't really ever been on the scene and will never be again. My mum and step dad have been together as long as I can remember, he has brought me up and done so much for us 5 kids that I could never fault him. I'm scared to love someone the way my step dad loved my mum because I saw how it broke him when she left, she had reasons which no one will understand unless they were in the situation themselves but that didn't stop his heartache. I don't trust anyone, I'm the type of person who finds it hard to trust anyone but when they do find it impossible to let them have an inch in case they break that trust I found so difficult to find.
My anxiety and paranoia are creeping up on me and I want to blame it on the pill yet somehow I feel as though its just me. It's always me. The last time I felt this low something dramatic happened, I would never hurt myself though! My worst fear in life is dying so there's no way I would ever let anything harm me. I want to move on from my past but how can I if no one else does!
I just came out of a petty relationship, I know I'm 18 and it shouldn't be petty at this age but it was. I cried when we broke up but why? I didn't care about him that much... Or did I? My mum says I'm not a victim I'm a survivor and I don't need to cry anymore about these failed relationships. I know I am strong, I know I'm strong enough to be happy without a boy! I sat down to think of what truly makes me happy and a relationship isn't it! Well not at the moment. I know sleeping about isn't good either but I was happy not feeling as though I need to trust someone instantly, when for me it takes a lot of time! Even when I do find a relationship I move from one to the next, because I don't wait to trust them, because I probably never will. I don't wait to love them, because I will never love them the way I used to love him. Not yet anyway, not until I trust them and they understand me. But it's all okay... I'll move on... I always do.
Me... Why do I have so much going on? Anxiety, paranoia and trust issues! Is it because the two people in your life you don't have to doubt will be there are your parents? And my real dad hasn't really ever been on the scene and will never be again. My mum and step dad have been together as long as I can remember, he has brought me up and done so much for us 5 kids that I could never fault him. I'm scared to love someone the way my step dad loved my mum because I saw how it broke him when she left, she had reasons which no one will understand unless they were in the situation themselves but that didn't stop his heartache. I don't trust anyone, I'm the type of person who finds it hard to trust anyone but when they do find it impossible to let them have an inch in case they break that trust I found so difficult to find.
My anxiety and paranoia are creeping up on me and I want to blame it on the pill yet somehow I feel as though its just me. It's always me. The last time I felt this low something dramatic happened, I would never hurt myself though! My worst fear in life is dying so there's no way I would ever let anything harm me. I want to move on from my past but how can I if no one else does!
I just came out of a petty relationship, I know I'm 18 and it shouldn't be petty at this age but it was. I cried when we broke up but why? I didn't care about him that much... Or did I? My mum says I'm not a victim I'm a survivor and I don't need to cry anymore about these failed relationships. I know I am strong, I know I'm strong enough to be happy without a boy! I sat down to think of what truly makes me happy and a relationship isn't it! Well not at the moment. I know sleeping about isn't good either but I was happy not feeling as though I need to trust someone instantly, when for me it takes a lot of time! Even when I do find a relationship I move from one to the next, because I don't wait to trust them, because I probably never will. I don't wait to love them, because I will never love them the way I used to love him. Not yet anyway, not until I trust them and they understand me. But it's all okay... I'll move on... I always do.
Chapter two, part two.
I've decided to not have any intentions anymore, all I have is high expectations, thinking someone will think as highly of me as I do when them. Thinking someone will love me the way I know I love them... Fed up of getting letting down. This way no one will upset me when they can't compare to what I feel they should. I regret letting my past follow into my present, I don't regret the relationships and somehow I don't regret the boys, they have made me who I am today.
My mum says don't think about my regrets, think about my future but how can I think about my future when so many people think about of me whether it may be true what they've heard or not. How can I not regret things when now I'm hated for them? I don't want people thinking bad of me especially for no reason, so maybe I should let them read this book, maybe their opinions of me with change? Or maybe it will make them hate me even more! I don't want to be hated anymore so I openly say I'm sorry to all the people who've got caught up in my drama in one way or another. I never meant for anyone to hate me for things I never meant to happen. I've never cheated on someone, no matter what anyone thinks or says, I am not a cheat! And I've never got with a boy I knew had a girlfriend, I promise. So how am I in the wrong? Everyone says make the most of it when your young but then I get slated? That's not fair!
Sometimes I feel like I've hit rock bottom... My mum says sometimes you have to stoop low to reach high again and she's right. That is what I'm a trying to do, let anything go wrong that's going to because the only way has to be up. My mum also says don't let your past define you, so I'm moving onwards and upwards! I'm not going to change because people hate me or have bad opinions of me, because bad first impressions most likely stick. But I am going to change by improving the things I'm not happy with and change so that I look back and have no more regrets.
Now I'm worrying about letting people read this book! Will it ruin it? Not be my own book anymore, my own memories and thoughts... Shared with people who probably already hate me. I don't want to people please but I also don't want the gossip in Whitstable spiral out of control because I don't like conflict or confrontation. I don't want people to start talking about me and finally getting back to my family because they don't deserve it either.
I'm thinking about running away to my mums again because I don't want to feel low again and I defiantly don't want to sleep about or even fall in love. If I fall in love I can't just up and leave when I feel like it because I will stay just for them. I'm not saying everything about falling in love is bad because its not but for me right now it's not the right thing to let happen. I have let myself get too attached to some boys who think its okay to choose drugs over me, and that's not right. I have let each boy drag me in like they are all a different drug, giving me a different experience and making me feel a different way. I've wrote a poem about the lot of them but that doesn't mean it's something for them to get angry about because only they will know who they are by reading it. All of the boys are memories and that's it. That's all an ex should be... Just a memory. Good memories at the time who eventually for me become regret.
My mum says don't think about my regrets, think about my future but how can I think about my future when so many people think about of me whether it may be true what they've heard or not. How can I not regret things when now I'm hated for them? I don't want people thinking bad of me especially for no reason, so maybe I should let them read this book, maybe their opinions of me with change? Or maybe it will make them hate me even more! I don't want to be hated anymore so I openly say I'm sorry to all the people who've got caught up in my drama in one way or another. I never meant for anyone to hate me for things I never meant to happen. I've never cheated on someone, no matter what anyone thinks or says, I am not a cheat! And I've never got with a boy I knew had a girlfriend, I promise. So how am I in the wrong? Everyone says make the most of it when your young but then I get slated? That's not fair!
Sometimes I feel like I've hit rock bottom... My mum says sometimes you have to stoop low to reach high again and she's right. That is what I'm a trying to do, let anything go wrong that's going to because the only way has to be up. My mum also says don't let your past define you, so I'm moving onwards and upwards! I'm not going to change because people hate me or have bad opinions of me, because bad first impressions most likely stick. But I am going to change by improving the things I'm not happy with and change so that I look back and have no more regrets.
Now I'm worrying about letting people read this book! Will it ruin it? Not be my own book anymore, my own memories and thoughts... Shared with people who probably already hate me. I don't want to people please but I also don't want the gossip in Whitstable spiral out of control because I don't like conflict or confrontation. I don't want people to start talking about me and finally getting back to my family because they don't deserve it either.
I'm thinking about running away to my mums again because I don't want to feel low again and I defiantly don't want to sleep about or even fall in love. If I fall in love I can't just up and leave when I feel like it because I will stay just for them. I'm not saying everything about falling in love is bad because its not but for me right now it's not the right thing to let happen. I have let myself get too attached to some boys who think its okay to choose drugs over me, and that's not right. I have let each boy drag me in like they are all a different drug, giving me a different experience and making me feel a different way. I've wrote a poem about the lot of them but that doesn't mean it's something for them to get angry about because only they will know who they are by reading it. All of the boys are memories and that's it. That's all an ex should be... Just a memory. Good memories at the time who eventually for me become regret.
Saturday 14 September 2013
Chapter two, part one.
I have written my 12 steps of loving yourself (my first chapter), I have shared it with a handful of people and so far they are impressed and amazed at how open and honest I have been. Writing this book has helped me to understand me! It should take a book to do that but re reading it and writing day to day it helps to move on from the past and how I felt back then. This book has helped me deal with my paranoia and how trust issues are stopping me from being happy. I have now realised to just let things go and that I don't need to be in a relationship to make me happy! I don't need to put up a defence barrier anymore like I used to. It was easier for me to out up a barrier so that when a boy would leave me it wouldn't hurt as much... But that kind of didn't work. I've wasted my time with the wrong boys and now it's time for a change. I'm not going to jump into bed with anyone anymore, until I feel as though its leading somewhere... And that's not just sexually.
After years of being stupid and not being on the pill I decided to go on it after 2 years of not being on it. I thought it was a clever idea but my mood swings fly everywhere and hit anyone in the firing line. My moods affect everyone's moods and put a downer on the atmosphere and that's not fair. So lets sort this next bit out poppy. My moods go from liking a boy, to lusting them, to loving them and then to eventually hating them. I do tend to like them after all the battered has passed but only on my own terms. I don't want to feel angry anymore, I need to work out whether its the pill making me feel this way or just my hormones in general?
Looking back I've started to see how me and the boys worked in each others favour. They didn't like to not have sex and I didn't like to not be alone. That arrangement didn't make me 100% happy but it distracted me for a while. As my writing gets worse so do my moods, all because of a little pill? Or maybe just the chemical imbalance? No one would believe what I'm trying to blame it on. I know I get anxious, paranoid and angry but I also get happy,excited and I too fall in love. I have had my heart broken not just from relationships but from the death of lee too.
The amount of heartache I've felt has started to make me wonder am I not even worth being loved? I would rather love someone and not be loved back then someone love me and not have love back in return, because I couldn't deal with knowing that I'm hurting someone else.
No doubt I've been the cause of it all before but I don't want to hurt anymore else again. I do want to have my little bit of something good but that ends up me hurting them, suffocating them with affection. Then out comes paranoid poppy! I always end up feeling like I'm just someone there to fill the space of an empty bed but by me doing that, filling there space ... It's left me with a bigger space in my heart that will be there forever. Seems like such a harsh thing to say but one boy being nice doesn't make up for the many that have picked me up and thrown me away. I'm not saying its all their fault because I played my part too! But in the end I bet they don't feel used.
All of this messing about started after I broke up with my long term ex. I wish I hadn't had such a full on relationship so young because I didn't know how was the right way to deal with the break up. As much as I'm grateful for the memories I hate him for them, because I've been trying to replace the memories and forgotten how to make new ones.
After years of being stupid and not being on the pill I decided to go on it after 2 years of not being on it. I thought it was a clever idea but my mood swings fly everywhere and hit anyone in the firing line. My moods affect everyone's moods and put a downer on the atmosphere and that's not fair. So lets sort this next bit out poppy. My moods go from liking a boy, to lusting them, to loving them and then to eventually hating them. I do tend to like them after all the battered has passed but only on my own terms. I don't want to feel angry anymore, I need to work out whether its the pill making me feel this way or just my hormones in general?
Looking back I've started to see how me and the boys worked in each others favour. They didn't like to not have sex and I didn't like to not be alone. That arrangement didn't make me 100% happy but it distracted me for a while. As my writing gets worse so do my moods, all because of a little pill? Or maybe just the chemical imbalance? No one would believe what I'm trying to blame it on. I know I get anxious, paranoid and angry but I also get happy,excited and I too fall in love. I have had my heart broken not just from relationships but from the death of lee too.
The amount of heartache I've felt has started to make me wonder am I not even worth being loved? I would rather love someone and not be loved back then someone love me and not have love back in return, because I couldn't deal with knowing that I'm hurting someone else.
No doubt I've been the cause of it all before but I don't want to hurt anymore else again. I do want to have my little bit of something good but that ends up me hurting them, suffocating them with affection. Then out comes paranoid poppy! I always end up feeling like I'm just someone there to fill the space of an empty bed but by me doing that, filling there space ... It's left me with a bigger space in my heart that will be there forever. Seems like such a harsh thing to say but one boy being nice doesn't make up for the many that have picked me up and thrown me away. I'm not saying its all their fault because I played my part too! But in the end I bet they don't feel used.
All of this messing about started after I broke up with my long term ex. I wish I hadn't had such a full on relationship so young because I didn't know how was the right way to deal with the break up. As much as I'm grateful for the memories I hate him for them, because I've been trying to replace the memories and forgotten how to make new ones.
Chapter one, final part.
Just as I'm turning over a new leaf, making things right, learning from my mistakes and listening to both my heart and head I find myself in a ridiculous situation yet again. I keep on doing this, never thinking ahead and thinking if I will ever regret my actions, which in most cases I do! I'm suppose to be an adult yet I'm making childish decisions which I choose to run away from and pretend aren't there. Speaking of childish behaviour...
The ninth,always use protection! Unwanted things happen when you don't! Pregnancy and STI's .
Although we all class ourselves as adults we act childish when it comes to responsibility, we all need to choose what we want and hold our hands up to whatever we have done. I constantly feel like I've made mistakes but I take responsibility for it and hold my hands up, say I'm guilty and I done it, what else is there to do? Having unprotected sex is a choice but we shouldn't leave fate to decide what it chooses to happen to you afterwards. After all we live to make ourselves happy.
The tenth step... Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't make you happy. I discovered this when I was 16, thinking everything was perfect but looking back now I argued all the time with my ex. Sometimes we stay with people out of habit and that's exactly what I have done in the past but no more.
Just writing a few pages have helped me, although at the moment it feels like nothing ever will. Mistakes after mistakes, heartache after headache and regret after regret. My mum says times the best healer and she's right! Time doesn't make anything easier, it just helps you cope with the pain. I've now got a clear head of what I want and now it's time to put them thoughts into actions. It seems that time away will help me, it helped my mum recover and maybe me too. Whitstable is such a small town and I haven't yet found out whether its the place that makes me upset... Or the people.
The eleventh step... Having get away! Somewhere I can run to for thinking time or time for me. I always spend time thinking of what other people think or feel and now it's time for me. Things fall apart but it's important to have the time and space to fix the important things, the less important things can wait. If I don't deal with it now it will all get on top of each other and I will feel even more lonely then I do now. I don't want to let down myself and my family, I don't want my parents thinking they haven't done their job because their teenage daughter is finding things a little difficult and making wrong choices in life.
The twelfth step... This is the most important step, it's the one that has to be on going, one that links all the other steps together, keeping me strong and keeping me going when I feel like everything's too much. This step sums it up altogether... So the twelfth step... Don't be afraid to say NO MORE.
The ninth,always use protection! Unwanted things happen when you don't! Pregnancy and STI's .
Although we all class ourselves as adults we act childish when it comes to responsibility, we all need to choose what we want and hold our hands up to whatever we have done. I constantly feel like I've made mistakes but I take responsibility for it and hold my hands up, say I'm guilty and I done it, what else is there to do? Having unprotected sex is a choice but we shouldn't leave fate to decide what it chooses to happen to you afterwards. After all we live to make ourselves happy.
The tenth step... Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't make you happy. I discovered this when I was 16, thinking everything was perfect but looking back now I argued all the time with my ex. Sometimes we stay with people out of habit and that's exactly what I have done in the past but no more.
Just writing a few pages have helped me, although at the moment it feels like nothing ever will. Mistakes after mistakes, heartache after headache and regret after regret. My mum says times the best healer and she's right! Time doesn't make anything easier, it just helps you cope with the pain. I've now got a clear head of what I want and now it's time to put them thoughts into actions. It seems that time away will help me, it helped my mum recover and maybe me too. Whitstable is such a small town and I haven't yet found out whether its the place that makes me upset... Or the people.
The eleventh step... Having get away! Somewhere I can run to for thinking time or time for me. I always spend time thinking of what other people think or feel and now it's time for me. Things fall apart but it's important to have the time and space to fix the important things, the less important things can wait. If I don't deal with it now it will all get on top of each other and I will feel even more lonely then I do now. I don't want to let down myself and my family, I don't want my parents thinking they haven't done their job because their teenage daughter is finding things a little difficult and making wrong choices in life.
The twelfth step... This is the most important step, it's the one that has to be on going, one that links all the other steps together, keeping me strong and keeping me going when I feel like everything's too much. This step sums it up altogether... So the twelfth step... Don't be afraid to say NO MORE.
Thursday 12 September 2013
Chapter one, part two.
Everyone seems to say that men are less emotional than women, so why can't I work out if I'm messing them about or if their messing me about? They act in such a way it's complicated to work out, they get annoyed if you move on but yet don't want you to become too close? As soon as a boy says he likes me I run a mile and as soon as I say I like them they do the same, so what does this show? No that there's ever been a situation where we both like each other ... Because if your me then that's almost impossible.
The fifth step... Never think I'm alone! There's always someone out there who's made the same mistake as me and learned from it in their own way. So I will make my own mistakes and learn from them in my own way. Everyone around me seems happy whether they are in a relationship or not, so why aren't I? Am I not meant to be happy? I just want someone I can be myself around so writing this will give everyone am insight to me. I have mood swings, unsure moments and a hell of a baggage that comes with me. Might be hard to deal with or even cope with but once you understand me and my ways then you'll learn to either love my flaws or not love me at all.
My mum has been divorced and married twice by trying to find love and I don't want that to be me in 10 years time! My mum deserves happiness and so do I! I'm 18 and thinking about the future, call me crazy or call my cautious but if you had the reputation I did then you would think in the same way. I'm sitting here holding back on texting a boy, any boy, anyone who will take this lonely feeling away. It's the only way I've found to cope at the moment. My mum says that all i've been doing is experiencing shit sex, well she's right... All sex is shit when you feel no better afterwards. Especially for me, a girl with so much love to give and gets none in return.
Sixth step... Let love grow, don't force it or search for it when it's not there. So since I've been writing this book I've been listening to my own advice, however it's been hard! I don't listen to anyone let alone myself! Recently I've been a little more selfish than usual. Thinking of me and how I feel, putting my thoughts into actions and getting the courage to write this!
The seventh step... Don't be afraid to be a little selfish sometimes, your happiness is paramount! How can you be happy if you don't stand up for what you really want? Even if it is a little out of the ordinary. Like now, usually I fall for all the wrong boys or mess the nice ones about but now I'm changing. I'm taking my own advice, I'm listening to my heart and my head and falling for someone a little more genuine. Or so I thought. I thought I had found a boy that helped me stay positive, who understood that I can't be happy poppy all the time. I thought he realised my past was my past and I hoped that was enough for him not to walk away, but I was wrong.
The eight step... Get out of any situation you are not happy with. If your not happy then don't stick a out, it's hard to walk away when someone means so much but they will always be there if you mew that much to them. If I'm not comfortable with a situation then I don't stick about because its not worth it. I know a lot of people who aren't worth it but yet I still give them the time of say to upset me which pushes me out of my comfort zone and into some boys arms or should I say bed. I've given up trying to prove I'm not a 'slut' because deep down i know I'm not one, I know I'm just searching for love through sex. So that's why I'm now holding back on jumping into bed with the next one. I'm going to fall in love before falling into their bed... Lets see how long that last! That's what everyone's thinking, so why can't I just say it. Well to all you people thinking bad of me FUCK YOU! I've tried to keep a relationship going but if I can see its not going to work then why waste time? After all the relationships I've ever had end in disasters, tears and someone getting hurt. Usually that someone getting hurt would be me... But no more.
I would usually say no more tears but my mum says its okay to cry because it shows your human.
Well that's good because I cry all the time, I get moody, paranoid, happy and excited just like everyone else. I have a lot of insecurities, worries and dreams. I have been a lot happier recently,getting a successful job and that was because of no boy, no friends and no family, I achieved it on my own. I can now believe I can achieve anything on my own! I've proven to myself I can be my own happiness, I should probably be proud of myself but yet I hold onto the bad things too. Falling for me is the worst thing you could ever do, I will walk away still holding onto the heart
strings which leads to all the name calling. I get called horrible names and people think bad things about me. They think I don't stick to the same boy, well what if your all wrong, what if the boys don't stick to me?
My mum has taught me everything I know and even though she lives 100 miles away and left when I was a kid I would never hold it against her, she has been my rock and my everything, through everything. There are a few more rocks that have kept me strong; my best friend in the world Cailin and the bower family. They have shown me there are people out there with hearts of gold and that you don't need to be blood related to be family. I thank them for always being there, putting up with me when they didn't have to. Well they are stuck with me now. Then there's lee's family, such a strong family, brave and I'm proud to have spend years in their lives, feeling part of their family even though we aren't as close anymore.
Then there my own family, my sisters who fix a broken heart with a simple hug. They stick by me even when the daily dickheads don't. My brothers who I feel safe with even though they are big softies really. Then there's the most amazing man I could have ever met! Being 3 years old and coming into my life, taking the role of dad for 4 kids prior to your relationship and bringing them up to the best of your ability! My step dad John, he doesn't need the step in front of it because it my eyes he's the only dad I have and I'm so proud of him and everything he has done for us! I love the lot of you! I know you probably all think I'm a dirty stop out... But no more. I will make you all proud.
Chapter one, part one.
So it all started with a boy and no doubt about it, it will end with a boy too... But not the same one. Can you honestly say I'm a slut? Can you count the amount of people you've slept with on one hand? Would you be ashamed to share how many it was with your brothers and sisters? I'm not ashamed of what I've done in my life yet somehow everyone's views are that I should be. To describe myself in one word I would say easy... Easy to hurt, easy to please, easy to forgive, easy to forget but my life is far from easy. I have came so far throughout my life from being an anxious girl to a young women sorting through these anxieties day to day whatever it may bring. You don't know me well but if you did you would wonder why, well my mum is my rock and my everything she has helped me and shown me how strong our family are, not just as a family but as individuals too.
This is a recovery book, like what my mum has wrote but mines not about drugs and alcohol although alcohol is a big part of my life ... I'm 18 so what! Alcohol makes you love that person a little more, hate that person a little more but yet somehow feel every emotion a little less. That's the magic of it and that's the reason we drink it. We all think its a cure to the troubles in our lives, we try to numb the pain and run away instead of facing them head on. I think I've followed in my mums footsteps by trying to run away and numb the pain. My mum is on her 12th step of recovery and I can do it too! I'm not addicted to any class A drug, but I'm addicted to the feeling of love well not love but that feeling of someone being there making me feel special and relying on them to be my happiness ... But NO MORE.
I never seem to sleep with I boy I genuinely like but look where they are now? No where. The boys I seem to meet don't stick about. Everyone's views on me where the girl who 'put out' but that's not me, I don't want people thinking that about me. Their views were horrible but no more.
The first step of recovery... To make every mistake I possibly can, sounds stupid I know but how can you learn from a mistake if you don't make one? My mum says its okay to make a mistake, but making the same mistake more than once is insanity. Well I fall for the wrong boys over and over again so does that make me insane? Maybe it makes me desperate or lonely? Sitting here trying to write is easy but yet somehow hard, there's so much I have to say, so much I should be ashamed of and so much I want to open up about. It would make sense to me but s blur to everyone else, that's what my brain is, one big blur! A bit muddled up, confused, stressed and basically any other word that means fucked up. That's why I ask myself, do I share this book with people? Will they laugh? Or most of all will they understand? Somehow I instantly know my mum will, she understands everything and doesn't judge me for one second. One day I'll be the same.
The second step... Understand the reasons I made the mistakes. Missing an ex of a long term relationship is sometimes an understatement. I missed him beyond belief when we first broke up and to add onto that the loss of his little brother lee. I can honestly say I never thought a heart could physically break, but when I found out lee had died I felt my heart crumble. I don't want that relationship back, she can have him! I do miss that feeling we had, loving each other and it just being simple and easy. That was the relationship I was trying to fill... But no more.
The third step... Stop searching! I need to just wait for love to find me instead of trying to find something and mould it into 'love'. I've tried to hard to find love shaped like an ex that I haven't let a new kind grow. Always concentrating on the past and things in the past that made me happy in a relationship instead of just letting it take its course. This leads me to the next step...
Step four... Be my own happiness and stop relying on anyone else to make me happy. This book will
help me help myself, be myself and everything I know I can be. Whether or not I make it through writing this book with a boy by my side I will learn from this.
Wednesday 11 September 2013
JMP (poem)
I'm not saying I don't love you,
Would it ruin your perfect scene?
The sun will rise and set again,
But with the sun comes tears and rain,
I know you tried to make everything right,
Holding onto our friendship ever so tight,
I'm not worth the heartache or love,
Sun comes with tears like I said above,
You've wrote your song of what's been and gone,
But I can't figure out where we went wrong,
At least we've learnt some things along the way,
We've never kissed what else is there to say?
You play ukelele, you play drums, you play guitar,
A new talent, a new song, a new girl at the bar,
I could sit here and talk to you for hours on end,
Because in you I've found a best friend,
I will never let you down,
I will never make you frown,
I will never make you feel how I felt on the end of that phone.
I know you've sacrificed so must for me,
You've given up everything you used to be,
But that's the jack I knew and loved,
Falling for me was the worst thing you could do,
It's not all your fault 'cos I've fallen for you too,
I've known you for an awfully long time,
But I can't stop adding to this rhyme,
You might get annoyed when I don't call you back.
Sarah, Stacey what girl is in your sack?
Go on call me a clown,
But can you honestly say you've never let me down?
Aaron, Theresa, Frazer and cheese,
Can things go back to normal I'm begging you please,
Blue lagoon is my favourite drink,
I'm sitting here waiting for our boat to sink,
Don't cut your hair ... I love your copper top,
Now that is a way I will really sop,
Jmp what can I say?
I think about us every day,
How can you say our love is dead?
I wonder what thoughts are going through your head,
Is it because I won't come back home with you?
I know what you've been thinking 'cos I've been thinking it too,
Maybe it was for the best,
Because if I came back to yours well we all know the rest.
Hearing your song made me cry,
To think I was your love and the apple of your eye,
You pray don't say you don't love me,
Me you and Charlotte a relationship doesn't contain three!
Jack I'm going to say it, I did love you and I hope one day we'll be as close as we used to be.
Would it ruin your perfect scene?
The sun will rise and set again,
But with the sun comes tears and rain,
I know you tried to make everything right,
Holding onto our friendship ever so tight,
I'm not worth the heartache or love,
Sun comes with tears like I said above,
You've wrote your song of what's been and gone,
But I can't figure out where we went wrong,
At least we've learnt some things along the way,
We've never kissed what else is there to say?
You play ukelele, you play drums, you play guitar,
A new talent, a new song, a new girl at the bar,
I could sit here and talk to you for hours on end,
Because in you I've found a best friend,
I will never let you down,
I will never make you frown,
I will never make you feel how I felt on the end of that phone.
I know you've sacrificed so must for me,
You've given up everything you used to be,
But that's the jack I knew and loved,
Falling for me was the worst thing you could do,
It's not all your fault 'cos I've fallen for you too,
I've known you for an awfully long time,
But I can't stop adding to this rhyme,
You might get annoyed when I don't call you back.
Sarah, Stacey what girl is in your sack?
Go on call me a clown,
But can you honestly say you've never let me down?
Aaron, Theresa, Frazer and cheese,
Can things go back to normal I'm begging you please,
Blue lagoon is my favourite drink,
I'm sitting here waiting for our boat to sink,
Don't cut your hair ... I love your copper top,
Now that is a way I will really sop,
Jmp what can I say?
I think about us every day,
How can you say our love is dead?
I wonder what thoughts are going through your head,
Is it because I won't come back home with you?
I know what you've been thinking 'cos I've been thinking it too,
Maybe it was for the best,
Because if I came back to yours well we all know the rest.
Hearing your song made me cry,
To think I was your love and the apple of your eye,
You pray don't say you don't love me,
Me you and Charlotte a relationship doesn't contain three!
Jack I'm going to say it, I did love you and I hope one day we'll be as close as we used to be.
Homeless (poem)
Being homeless is the only difference between you and me,
We're all humans and should get treated equally,
All I own are the clothes on my back,
Just because I'm homeless doesn't mean I smoke crack,
Yes this might be too much to hear,
But you have a roof over your head and nothing to fear.
We're all humans and should get treated equally,
All I own are the clothes on my back,
Just because I'm homeless doesn't mean I smoke crack,
Yes this might be too much to hear,
But you have a roof over your head and nothing to fear.
A little saying that I'ld like to share (poem)
I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be. Learn to love my flaws or don't love me at all.
Feeling (poem)
There's this feeling of you that I can't let go,
I can't describe in words and then you'll never know,
I couldn't bring myself to say it to your face,
I'm scared of rejection and that is my case.
I can't describe in words and then you'll never know,
I couldn't bring myself to say it to your face,
I'm scared of rejection and that is my case.
Tuesday 10 September 2013
Another break up (poem)
Another break up, I can't act surprised,
I could feel the cracks as the tension started to rise,
I will never learn from what I don't see as mistakes,
And learn how to tell the real from the fakes
I could feel the cracks as the tension started to rise,
I will never learn from what I don't see as mistakes,
And learn how to tell the real from the fakes
Tweets (poem)
Look at my tweets watch how they update,
They're not about love but are about hate,
They don't update automatically but by hand,
The love starts to fade as the hate expands.
They're not about love but are about hate,
They don't update automatically but by hand,
The love starts to fade as the hate expands.
Weather (poem)
I'm feeling under the weather today,
So wake me up when the sun comes out to play,
When the grass is green and daffodils show,
When the tides in and off to the beach we go,
Ice cream tune playing away,
Easter in April, Morris dancers in may.
So wake me up when the sun comes out to play,
When the grass is green and daffodils show,
When the tides in and off to the beach we go,
Ice cream tune playing away,
Easter in April, Morris dancers in may.
The piss taker (poem)
He was always the funny one you see,
Acting retarded wouldn't you agree?
Thought it was funny to take the mick,
When turns out making himself look like a prick,
Doesn't he see that they are the same as us?
How would he like to ride on the special needs bus!
Acting retarded wouldn't you agree?
Thought it was funny to take the mick,
When turns out making himself look like a prick,
Doesn't he see that they are the same as us?
How would he like to ride on the special needs bus!
Willy a.k.a William (poem)
Peer pressuring me to write this for you,
Ha ha willy you really haven't a clue,
Sounds like a love letter when it's really not,
Tommy, Bertie what one of your friends haven't I got?
I class you as my best friend so lets be honest now,
Cailin ended up with you... I still wonder how!
Lets hope I meet no more of your friends,
'Cos one things leads to another and we all know how it ends,
I first met you the day Cailins boob fell out,
Hold on one second let me roll a snout,
The faces you pull crack me and dave up,
That's one boy I haven't got ... Raise your cup!
Some people got shallow and mad at you,
But like I said your my best friend and I love you too.
Ha ha willy you really haven't a clue,
Sounds like a love letter when it's really not,
Tommy, Bertie what one of your friends haven't I got?
I class you as my best friend so lets be honest now,
Cailin ended up with you... I still wonder how!
Lets hope I meet no more of your friends,
'Cos one things leads to another and we all know how it ends,
I first met you the day Cailins boob fell out,
Hold on one second let me roll a snout,
The faces you pull crack me and dave up,
That's one boy I haven't got ... Raise your cup!
Some people got shallow and mad at you,
But like I said your my best friend and I love you too.
My best friend (poem)
Best friends should mean a lot 'cos if your me their all you've got,
Falling for all the wrong boys,
Thrown away like one of their old toys,
Finding it hard to trust anyone,
Because to them I was just a bit of fun,
You were there when I needed you the most,
No matter how far I move down the coast,
It's not just you I can call my best friend,
Because all the bower family pull together in the end.
Falling for all the wrong boys,
Thrown away like one of their old toys,
Finding it hard to trust anyone,
Because to them I was just a bit of fun,
You were there when I needed you the most,
No matter how far I move down the coast,
It's not just you I can call my best friend,
Because all the bower family pull together in the end.
Regret (poem)
It weren't meant to happen this way,
And now I regret the decision I made on that day,
It didn't make it easier not even at all,
The regret that has formed from something so small,
The day that is constantly on my mind,
I wish I could go back and press rewind
And now I regret the decision I made on that day,
It didn't make it easier not even at all,
The regret that has formed from something so small,
The day that is constantly on my mind,
I wish I could go back and press rewind
Blog update
If your reading this you've taken time to read my blog, you might not like it and you might think its boring but then stop reading it? I have written poems since I was little and I'm also writing a book, you can judge me on what I write but after all they are just words...
Boy (poem)
I met a boy who wouldn't love because of fear,
But I felt his heart drop whenever I was near,
Seeing a lot you think he would,
Telling himself it wouldn't work even though it could,
He looks at me differently then he did before,
Feeling like that would it end as more?
I've fallen for him in only one way it could be,
I'll show him I mean it he just has to trust in me.
But I felt his heart drop whenever I was near,
Seeing a lot you think he would,
Telling himself it wouldn't work even though it could,
He looks at me differently then he did before,
Feeling like that would it end as more?
I've fallen for him in only one way it could be,
I'll show him I mean it he just has to trust in me.
Never ending (poem)
A never ending party in my mind,
It goes around and to never unwind,
The party goes on and on all through the night,
The colourful disco overtaking the light,
The music is blaring and dancing around,
Dancing so fast you don't touch the ground,
People dancing, having fun,
No one was to know someone had a gun,
BANG BANG shot down all you hear is a body hit the ground,
Screams and shouts are everywhere,
Everybody knows, everybody cares,
What was he thinking and what did he do wrong?
And this is why I am writing this song,
People get hurt and people cry,
But that young lad didn't deserve to die,
Some say wrong place, wrong time,
But that didn't stop someone committing that crime,
His girlfriend found out later that night,
She couldn't see how, he wasn't one to fight,
His funeral came round ever so quick,
That didn't stop the results that appeared on a stick,
He shouldn't have died on that Friday,
All because the gang were scared be would betray,
Someone thought to use a gun as a toy,
But that resulted in him never meeting his little boy.
It goes around and to never unwind,
The party goes on and on all through the night,
The colourful disco overtaking the light,
The music is blaring and dancing around,
Dancing so fast you don't touch the ground,
People dancing, having fun,
No one was to know someone had a gun,
BANG BANG shot down all you hear is a body hit the ground,
Screams and shouts are everywhere,
Everybody knows, everybody cares,
What was he thinking and what did he do wrong?
And this is why I am writing this song,
People get hurt and people cry,
But that young lad didn't deserve to die,
Some say wrong place, wrong time,
But that didn't stop someone committing that crime,
His girlfriend found out later that night,
She couldn't see how, he wasn't one to fight,
His funeral came round ever so quick,
That didn't stop the results that appeared on a stick,
He shouldn't have died on that Friday,
All because the gang were scared be would betray,
Someone thought to use a gun as a toy,
But that resulted in him never meeting his little boy.
I can't stand her (poem)
I can't force myself to like her today,
'Cos she's pissed me off in every way,
You selfish bitch, you f***ing cow,
I dare say he loves you I wonder how!
Your moany and you shout a lot,
Why do you act like that 'cos even I've forgot,
Don't pressure him and don't talk to him like that,
Put your claw away your a women not a f***ing cat,
I don't know how he's put up with you for how ever many years,
You've shouted in my face you t*** and brought me to tears,
Go on invade my stuff this time,
I'm not being rude just adding to this rhyme,
Think about yourself ... Go on that's great,
It's not earning your brownie points its earning you hate.
'Cos she's pissed me off in every way,
You selfish bitch, you f***ing cow,
I dare say he loves you I wonder how!
Your moany and you shout a lot,
Why do you act like that 'cos even I've forgot,
Don't pressure him and don't talk to him like that,
Put your claw away your a women not a f***ing cat,
I don't know how he's put up with you for how ever many years,
You've shouted in my face you t*** and brought me to tears,
Go on invade my stuff this time,
I'm not being rude just adding to this rhyme,
Think about yourself ... Go on that's great,
It's not earning your brownie points its earning you hate.
Paranoia (poem)
I live with this thing called paranoia,
I'm telling you don't get it, it does nothing for 'ya,
There's this thing I get, a feeling inside,
It's so easy to see but yet so hard to hide,
It likes to come out every now and then,
It's ever so wary of the species called men,
It gets a hold of me when I want it to let go,
It makes me worried and my self esteem low,
The only way to get rid of it is to fight it away,
But how can you fight something that's there every day,
It can bring me to floods of tears,
Paranoia is eating all of my fears,
It's broken my heart many times before,
I get scared you'll leave and that you won't take anymore,
I don't want it to break our relationship,
But sometimes I can't help it I just flip,
Sometimes I feel it coming and I try to stop,
I know I can do it so try harder pop!
Do you think I like this feeling?
When my moods rise and hit the ceiling,
I do it all to spite myself,
God only knows what it's doing to my health,
I get annoyed when you make plans on top of mine,
Paranoia comes out to play and I have to act fine?
I let it get control of me instead of fighting it away,
And I've lost someone who made me smile everyday,
I've got this thing called paranoia,
I'm telling you don't get it, It does nothing for 'ya.
I'm telling you don't get it, it does nothing for 'ya,
There's this thing I get, a feeling inside,
It's so easy to see but yet so hard to hide,
It likes to come out every now and then,
It's ever so wary of the species called men,
It gets a hold of me when I want it to let go,
It makes me worried and my self esteem low,
The only way to get rid of it is to fight it away,
But how can you fight something that's there every day,
It can bring me to floods of tears,
Paranoia is eating all of my fears,
It's broken my heart many times before,
I get scared you'll leave and that you won't take anymore,
I don't want it to break our relationship,
But sometimes I can't help it I just flip,
Sometimes I feel it coming and I try to stop,
I know I can do it so try harder pop!
Do you think I like this feeling?
When my moods rise and hit the ceiling,
I do it all to spite myself,
God only knows what it's doing to my health,
I get annoyed when you make plans on top of mine,
Paranoia comes out to play and I have to act fine?
I let it get control of me instead of fighting it away,
And I've lost someone who made me smile everyday,
I've got this thing called paranoia,
I'm telling you don't get it, It does nothing for 'ya.
On a night out ... (Poem)
Playing music when trying to get ready,
Drinking slowly trying to keep steady,
Doing your make up first on a night out,
Otherwise you'll look like you've applied it using a trout,
Wobbling in your heels holding onto a wall,
The pain girls go through just to be tall,
Grab onto a wall walking through town,
Noticing the boys looking you up and down,
Spilling your drink on someone in the club,
Thinking you'll make it better by giving it a rub.
Drinking slowly trying to keep steady,
Doing your make up first on a night out,
Otherwise you'll look like you've applied it using a trout,
Wobbling in your heels holding onto a wall,
The pain girls go through just to be tall,
Grab onto a wall walking through town,
Noticing the boys looking you up and down,
Spilling your drink on someone in the club,
Thinking you'll make it better by giving it a rub.
Break up (poem)
Break up
The feeling of heartache and despair,
Twiddling your thumbs - pulling out your hair,
The feeling of regret - I know I can change!
Filling up my scrapbook I got from the range!
I'm not just loosing a boyfriend but a best friend,
Feels like this cryings never going to end,
You stood by me when I was on my own,
When I was your girlfriend I never felt alone,
I'll never get back with you if you end this now,
Call me stupid or call me a cow,
I know I want to be with you so why can't you see?
Feels like I'm locked outside and your holding the key,
The world is a much bigger place then the little bubble,
The only boys left aren't worth picking out the rubble,
Yes okay we've seen each other a lot,
You wanted to see me too or have you forgot?
Sitting here feeling physically sick,
If you leave me now you'll look like a dick,
So thanks for that scare I've bitten off my nails!
Suppose I could turn lez if everything else fails,
I hope you wake up and wait for a text,
Not from this ex girlfriend but from the next.
The feeling of heartache and despair,
Twiddling your thumbs - pulling out your hair,
The feeling of regret - I know I can change!
Filling up my scrapbook I got from the range!
I'm not just loosing a boyfriend but a best friend,
Feels like this cryings never going to end,
You stood by me when I was on my own,
When I was your girlfriend I never felt alone,
I'll never get back with you if you end this now,
Call me stupid or call me a cow,
I know I want to be with you so why can't you see?
Feels like I'm locked outside and your holding the key,
The world is a much bigger place then the little bubble,
The only boys left aren't worth picking out the rubble,
Yes okay we've seen each other a lot,
You wanted to see me too or have you forgot?
Sitting here feeling physically sick,
If you leave me now you'll look like a dick,
So thanks for that scare I've bitten off my nails!
Suppose I could turn lez if everything else fails,
I hope you wake up and wait for a text,
Not from this ex girlfriend but from the next.
Boys of the past (poem)
It all started with a boy called joe,
Back in the days I weren't called a hoe,
Then I met a boy called Todd - long relationship for poppy how odd,
Then there's Ben who was a childhood friend,
Of course that didn't work out in the end,
Thomas was from ashford town,
Only once did he ever come down,
Brad who I thought looked like a model,
Although he used to be fat and walk with a waddle,
Arranged marriage with ginger dan,
I left the rose he bought me and off I ran,
James looked like stewie from family guy,
But as I soon discovered he was prone to lie,
Yet again I met another James,
And like the other he liked to play games,
Ben said he would cook lunch for me,
I went to his house and no food did I see,
Meeting Keelan was a blur,
Laying on his bed getting covered in cat fur,
George was the boy who had his tongue done,
But he was the definition of just having fun,
Cailin and will set me up with Bertie,
Tall,skinny and trying to act flirty,
Charlie became obsessed with me,
And threatened any boy I happened to see,
George walked in Nero like a love scene,
I whispered to my mum I was a loved up teen,
I met up with tommy the day I came home,
We tried to go to sleep but weren't left alone,
I had met up with Kane once before,
Stumbling in my heels I fell on the floor,
I then added George on Facebook,
Soon after that our relationship took,
Brewery bar lead me to meeting jack,
Didn't take long before I was in his sack,
Met guy in brewery bar,
Seeing two girls taking it too far,
I was meant to meet Harrison's friend not him,
But after all he ran after my every wim,
Manager of the bar's name was dan,
He didn't turn out to be my biggest fan,
Me and Lewis happened so quick,
But somehow I knew it wasn't going to stick,
Josh invited me and Emma to the love shack,
And gave us vodka for a midnight snack,
What is it with these boys called dan?
They like to screw me over as much as they can,
Got with someone who's name was tutt,
Rumours spread and now I'm a slut,
Alfie was such a cheeky chap,
But like the rest he deserved a slap,
Toms eyes were piercing and big,
But then again he turned out to be a pig,
Conor was a little bit of a chunk,
But at the time we all think their a hunk,
Oliver was more stuck up then an erection,
But why feel the need to show affection,
Scott liked to groom himself and look nice,
Only ever had to meet up with him twice,
Jack reminded me of my ex,
But that wasn't an excuse for the act of sex,
Liam liked to fish all the time,
So why have I added him to this rhyme?
Sam was a stoner, a people pleaser,
My dad used to think he was an alright geezer.
Back in the days I weren't called a hoe,
Then I met a boy called Todd - long relationship for poppy how odd,
Then there's Ben who was a childhood friend,
Of course that didn't work out in the end,
Thomas was from ashford town,
Only once did he ever come down,
Brad who I thought looked like a model,
Although he used to be fat and walk with a waddle,
Arranged marriage with ginger dan,
I left the rose he bought me and off I ran,
James looked like stewie from family guy,
But as I soon discovered he was prone to lie,
Yet again I met another James,
And like the other he liked to play games,
Ben said he would cook lunch for me,
I went to his house and no food did I see,
Meeting Keelan was a blur,
Laying on his bed getting covered in cat fur,
George was the boy who had his tongue done,
But he was the definition of just having fun,
Cailin and will set me up with Bertie,
Tall,skinny and trying to act flirty,
Charlie became obsessed with me,
And threatened any boy I happened to see,
George walked in Nero like a love scene,
I whispered to my mum I was a loved up teen,
I met up with tommy the day I came home,
We tried to go to sleep but weren't left alone,
I had met up with Kane once before,
Stumbling in my heels I fell on the floor,
I then added George on Facebook,
Soon after that our relationship took,
Brewery bar lead me to meeting jack,
Didn't take long before I was in his sack,
Met guy in brewery bar,
Seeing two girls taking it too far,
I was meant to meet Harrison's friend not him,
But after all he ran after my every wim,
Manager of the bar's name was dan,
He didn't turn out to be my biggest fan,
Me and Lewis happened so quick,
But somehow I knew it wasn't going to stick,
Josh invited me and Emma to the love shack,
And gave us vodka for a midnight snack,
What is it with these boys called dan?
They like to screw me over as much as they can,
Got with someone who's name was tutt,
Rumours spread and now I'm a slut,
Alfie was such a cheeky chap,
But like the rest he deserved a slap,
Toms eyes were piercing and big,
But then again he turned out to be a pig,
Conor was a little bit of a chunk,
But at the time we all think their a hunk,
Oliver was more stuck up then an erection,
But why feel the need to show affection,
Scott liked to groom himself and look nice,
Only ever had to meet up with him twice,
Jack reminded me of my ex,
But that wasn't an excuse for the act of sex,
Liam liked to fish all the time,
So why have I added him to this rhyme?
Sam was a stoner, a people pleaser,
My dad used to think he was an alright geezer.
She's got (poem)
She's got
She's got natural beauty,
He's got natural charm,
He's the one she dreamed of,
When he's the one to get rid of,
Wasting her time and using,
All that's left is bruising,
She wakes up one morning,
So tired she keeps on yawning,
What's a matter with him?
He keeps on dragging her in,
Her life is getting so boring,
No wonder she keeps on yawning,
Give her a chance to show you,
Letting her talent shine through,
Will really shake her life up,
Confidence to wear no make up,
You gave her a chance she never got,
So she left him and alone he'll rot,
Her life has really changed now,
She's proud and can now see how,
She's got natural beauty,
He thinks he's got natural charm,
He's the one she dreamed of,
But he was the one to get rid of,
She's got natural beauty,
And she's got it all.
She's got natural beauty,
He's got natural charm,
He's the one she dreamed of,
When he's the one to get rid of,
Wasting her time and using,
All that's left is bruising,
She wakes up one morning,
So tired she keeps on yawning,
What's a matter with him?
He keeps on dragging her in,
Her life is getting so boring,
No wonder she keeps on yawning,
Give her a chance to show you,
Letting her talent shine through,
Will really shake her life up,
Confidence to wear no make up,
You gave her a chance she never got,
So she left him and alone he'll rot,
Her life has really changed now,
She's proud and can now see how,
She's got natural beauty,
He thinks he's got natural charm,
He's the one she dreamed of,
But he was the one to get rid of,
She's got natural beauty,
And she's got it all.
About you (poem)
I promised myself I wouldn't do this again,
But since I met you it's been driving me insane,
You should know I wrote this about you,
And I hope one day you feel this feeling too,
I know we haven't spent much time together,
And I change my mind quicker than the weather,
I moved away soon after we met,
And have been waiting for a chance I haven't had yet,
We stayed together on the bedroom floor,
Laying as friends but always wanting more,
Okay I made the mistake by getting with your mate,
If that's ruined my chances with you then that's just great!
We didn't talk when that happened back then,
Your impossible to understand you difficult men,
I got the courage to tell you how I feel,
Trust me I've told you these feelings are real.
But since I met you it's been driving me insane,
You should know I wrote this about you,
And I hope one day you feel this feeling too,
I know we haven't spent much time together,
And I change my mind quicker than the weather,
I moved away soon after we met,
And have been waiting for a chance I haven't had yet,
We stayed together on the bedroom floor,
Laying as friends but always wanting more,
Okay I made the mistake by getting with your mate,
If that's ruined my chances with you then that's just great!
We didn't talk when that happened back then,
Your impossible to understand you difficult men,
I got the courage to tell you how I feel,
Trust me I've told you these feelings are real.
I feel sorry for you (poem)
I feel sorry for you
You might have won the battle but you've not won the war,
Honey I feel sorry for you we've all been there before,
You think your special and that he does actually care,
He treats every girl like that sweetie it really isn't that rare,
Girls hearts drop and they fall for him too,
You think you know him so well when really you haven't a clue,
Just because he's flashed his cash doesn't mean he cares,
He's desperate for the attention and he honestly loves the stares.
You might have won the battle but you've not won the war,
Honey I feel sorry for you we've all been there before,
You think your special and that he does actually care,
He treats every girl like that sweetie it really isn't that rare,
Girls hearts drop and they fall for him too,
You think you know him so well when really you haven't a clue,
Just because he's flashed his cash doesn't mean he cares,
He's desperate for the attention and he honestly loves the stares.
Never be replaced (poem)
Never be replaced
Don't ever think anyone could mean more than you,
You made that life and you will see it through,
No one else made that little bundle of joy,
The one you named your little boy,
No one will ever change the way he'll grow to be,
Just like his daddy just wait and see.
Don't ever think anyone could mean more than you,
You made that life and you will see it through,
No one else made that little bundle of joy,
The one you named your little boy,
No one will ever change the way he'll grow to be,
Just like his daddy just wait and see.
Be strong (poem)
I wish i could hold your hand and tell you everything will be alright,
You don't have to be strong or put up a fight,
There's this wall there that you happened to build,
If you let me I'll change it to a poppy field,
I'll brighten your day but also remind you of the bad,
Just because it happened doesn't mean you have to be sad.
Love is .... (Poem)
Love is ...
You say you don't know what love is,
There's no right answer this isn't a quiz,
How do you prove your worth the love and time?
Falling for someone knew isn't a crime,
I know your scared but I'm scared too,
Of course we're both scared to love someone new,
The past is the past forget about it now,
Making things right... I can show you how.
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