Everyone seems to say that men are less emotional than women, so why can't I work out if I'm messing them about or if their messing me about? They act in such a way it's complicated to work out, they get annoyed if you move on but yet don't want you to become too close? As soon as a boy says he likes me I run a mile and as soon as I say I like them they do the same, so what does this show? No that there's ever been a situation where we both like each other ... Because if your me then that's almost impossible.
The fifth step... Never think I'm alone! There's always someone out there who's made the same mistake as me and learned from it in their own way. So I will make my own mistakes and learn from them in my own way. Everyone around me seems happy whether they are in a relationship or not, so why aren't I? Am I not meant to be happy? I just want someone I can be myself around so writing this will give everyone am insight to me. I have mood swings, unsure moments and a hell of a baggage that comes with me. Might be hard to deal with or even cope with but once you understand me and my ways then you'll learn to either love my flaws or not love me at all.
My mum has been divorced and married twice by trying to find love and I don't want that to be me in 10 years time! My mum deserves happiness and so do I! I'm 18 and thinking about the future, call me crazy or call my cautious but if you had the reputation I did then you would think in the same way. I'm sitting here holding back on texting a boy, any boy, anyone who will take this lonely feeling away. It's the only way I've found to cope at the moment. My mum says that all i've been doing is experiencing shit sex, well she's right... All sex is shit when you feel no better afterwards. Especially for me, a girl with so much love to give and gets none in return.
Sixth step... Let love grow, don't force it or search for it when it's not there. So since I've been writing this book I've been listening to my own advice, however it's been hard! I don't listen to anyone let alone myself! Recently I've been a little more selfish than usual. Thinking of me and how I feel, putting my thoughts into actions and getting the courage to write this!
The seventh step... Don't be afraid to be a little selfish sometimes, your happiness is paramount! How can you be happy if you don't stand up for what you really want? Even if it is a little out of the ordinary. Like now, usually I fall for all the wrong boys or mess the nice ones about but now I'm changing. I'm taking my own advice, I'm listening to my heart and my head and falling for someone a little more genuine. Or so I thought. I thought I had found a boy that helped me stay positive, who understood that I can't be happy poppy all the time. I thought he realised my past was my past and I hoped that was enough for him not to walk away, but I was wrong.
The eight step... Get out of any situation you are not happy with. If your not happy then don't stick a out, it's hard to walk away when someone means so much but they will always be there if you mew that much to them. If I'm not comfortable with a situation then I don't stick about because its not worth it. I know a lot of people who aren't worth it but yet I still give them the time of say to upset me which pushes me out of my comfort zone and into some boys arms or should I say bed. I've given up trying to prove I'm not a 'slut' because deep down i know I'm not one, I know I'm just searching for love through sex. So that's why I'm now holding back on jumping into bed with the next one. I'm going to fall in love before falling into their bed... Lets see how long that last! That's what everyone's thinking, so why can't I just say it. Well to all you people thinking bad of me FUCK YOU! I've tried to keep a relationship going but if I can see its not going to work then why waste time? After all the relationships I've ever had end in disasters, tears and someone getting hurt. Usually that someone getting hurt would be me... But no more.
I would usually say no more tears but my mum says its okay to cry because it shows your human.
Well that's good because I cry all the time, I get moody, paranoid, happy and excited just like everyone else. I have a lot of insecurities, worries and dreams. I have been a lot happier recently,getting a successful job and that was because of no boy, no friends and no family, I achieved it on my own. I can now believe I can achieve anything on my own! I've proven to myself I can be my own happiness, I should probably be proud of myself but yet I hold onto the bad things too. Falling for me is the worst thing you could ever do, I will walk away still holding onto the heart
strings which leads to all the name calling. I get called horrible names and people think bad things about me. They think I don't stick to the same boy, well what if your all wrong, what if the boys don't stick to me?
My mum has taught me everything I know and even though she lives 100 miles away and left when I was a kid I would never hold it against her, she has been my rock and my everything, through everything. There are a few more rocks that have kept me strong; my best friend in the world Cailin and the bower family. They have shown me there are people out there with hearts of gold and that you don't need to be blood related to be family. I thank them for always being there, putting up with me when they didn't have to. Well they are stuck with me now. Then there's lee's family, such a strong family, brave and I'm proud to have spend years in their lives, feeling part of their family even though we aren't as close anymore.
Then there my own family, my sisters who fix a broken heart with a simple hug. They stick by me even when the daily dickheads don't. My brothers who I feel safe with even though they are big softies really. Then there's the most amazing man I could have ever met! Being 3 years old and coming into my life, taking the role of dad for 4 kids prior to your relationship and bringing them up to the best of your ability! My step dad John, he doesn't need the step in front of it because it my eyes he's the only dad I have and I'm so proud of him and everything he has done for us! I love the lot of you! I know you probably all think I'm a dirty stop out... But no more. I will make you all proud.
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