The suns coming out and so are the memories of why I left this house in the first place. My house is full of people but I always feel alone. I left this home when I was 16 and now I've actually came back and I feel more alone now then ever! Even though I'm 18 and more independent and sharing a room! I'm not at all blaming my family because it could just be Whitstable... Or maybe just me.
Me... Why do I have so much going on? Anxiety, paranoia and trust issues! Is it because the two people in your life you don't have to doubt will be there are your parents? And my real dad hasn't really ever been on the scene and will never be again. My mum and step dad have been together as long as I can remember, he has brought me up and done so much for us 5 kids that I could never fault him. I'm scared to love someone the way my step dad loved my mum because I saw how it broke him when she left, she had reasons which no one will understand unless they were in the situation themselves but that didn't stop his heartache. I don't trust anyone, I'm the type of person who finds it hard to trust anyone but when they do find it impossible to let them have an inch in case they break that trust I found so difficult to find.
My anxiety and paranoia are creeping up on me and I want to blame it on the pill yet somehow I feel as though its just me. It's always me. The last time I felt this low something dramatic happened, I would never hurt myself though! My worst fear in life is dying so there's no way I would ever let anything harm me. I want to move on from my past but how can I if no one else does!
I just came out of a petty relationship, I know I'm 18 and it shouldn't be petty at this age but it was. I cried when we broke up but why? I didn't care about him that much... Or did I? My mum says I'm not a victim I'm a survivor and I don't need to cry anymore about these failed relationships. I know I am strong, I know I'm strong enough to be happy without a boy! I sat down to think of what truly makes me happy and a relationship isn't it! Well not at the moment. I know sleeping about isn't good either but I was happy not feeling as though I need to trust someone instantly, when for me it takes a lot of time! Even when I do find a relationship I move from one to the next, because I don't wait to trust them, because I probably never will. I don't wait to love them, because I will never love them the way I used to love him. Not yet anyway, not until I trust them and they understand me. But it's all okay... I'll move on... I always do.
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