Chapter three, part two.

I know I'm a handful, actually I'm more than a handful! I'm difficult, easy to please but yet hard. I give so much grief to not only boys but to my friends too. I never feel like I'm good enough for them. I never feel like they treat me as much as I deserve or as well as I treat them. I constantly feel like I need to fight for attention even from my friends! Why don't they have the time for me? I think so highly of them but yet I feel like I'm the only one who makes an effort. I've moved away and I hold my hands up I am jealous that I'm not there, I didn't expect their lives to pause when I moved away but I hoped our friendship would have stayed the same but it didn't.

I feel like I have coped alone through things in my life because my friends don't understand. I acted like I was fine when I wasn't, they didn't know i was secretly meeting boys because they weren't that good of a friend to me to see I was actually hurting inside from different things. I didn't cope well with my first major break up but yet they didn't know because they didn't have enough time to give me. Then on top of that I moved on from one boy to the next, just because I've had loads of boyfriends doesn't mean each break up hurt less. I felt less and less important as time went on.

I didn't have someone there to give me a hug and say we can get through this, I didn't have someone to say you are worth more then what you are doing to yourself. I felt so alone... And yet now I've moved away again I don't think I could count my friends on one hand because they haven't contacted me to see how I am or what I'm getting up to.

The reason I don't try with them anymore is because I constantly give out so much love and get none in return, I constantly make an effort to travel down and surprise people but who's doing it for me? Who's showing me that I am worth something? And that it does get better even when I feel like I'm going round in circles. I'm going to be honest because why should I hide back my feelings? I always tell people how I feel or write it to them and yet nothing's changed? It doesn't go back to the way it was... When in my head it was suppose to make everything better.

Writing a blog will probably put any new boys off! And make my friends feel like their not my friends anymore, but you are... Just because I'm speaking my mind and trying to show that I'm not fake or a people please, only person I want to please is myself ... Because I've tried to please everyone else and so far it hasn't worked. So until someone makes an effort with me... I won't with them. I'm me and I'm not going to change to make you like me, I deserve to be loved and liked the way I am just like everyone else is. I just need someone who can cope with my mood swings, deal with my paranoia and stay by my side until I trust them and then it will get better... Not completely perfect because I never will be, but it will get better. It has to!