I've decided to not have any intentions anymore, all I have is high expectations, thinking someone will think as highly of me as I do when them. Thinking someone will love me the way I know I love them... Fed up of getting letting down. This way no one will upset me when they can't compare to what I feel they should. I regret letting my past follow into my present, I don't regret the relationships and somehow I don't regret the boys, they have made me who I am today.
My mum says don't think about my regrets, think about my future but how can I think about my future when so many people think about of me whether it may be true what they've heard or not. How can I not regret things when now I'm hated for them? I don't want people thinking bad of me especially for no reason, so maybe I should let them read this book, maybe their opinions of me with change? Or maybe it will make them hate me even more! I don't want to be hated anymore so I openly say I'm sorry to all the people who've got caught up in my drama in one way or another. I never meant for anyone to hate me for things I never meant to happen. I've never cheated on someone, no matter what anyone thinks or says, I am not a cheat! And I've never got with a boy I knew had a girlfriend, I promise. So how am I in the wrong? Everyone says make the most of it when your young but then I get slated? That's not fair!
Sometimes I feel like I've hit rock bottom... My mum says sometimes you have to stoop low to reach high again and she's right. That is what I'm a trying to do, let anything go wrong that's going to because the only way has to be up. My mum also says don't let your past define you, so I'm moving onwards and upwards! I'm not going to change because people hate me or have bad opinions of me, because bad first impressions most likely stick. But I am going to change by improving the things I'm not happy with and change so that I look back and have no more regrets.
Now I'm worrying about letting people read this book! Will it ruin it? Not be my own book anymore, my own memories and thoughts... Shared with people who probably already hate me. I don't want to people please but I also don't want the gossip in Whitstable spiral out of control because I don't like conflict or confrontation. I don't want people to start talking about me and finally getting back to my family because they don't deserve it either.
I'm thinking about running away to my mums again because I don't want to feel low again and I defiantly don't want to sleep about or even fall in love. If I fall in love I can't just up and leave when I feel like it because I will stay just for them. I'm not saying everything about falling in love is bad because its not but for me right now it's not the right thing to let happen. I have let myself get too attached to some boys who think its okay to choose drugs over me, and that's not right. I have let each boy drag me in like they are all a different drug, giving me a different experience and making me feel a different way. I've wrote a poem about the lot of them but that doesn't mean it's something for them to get angry about because only they will know who they are by reading it. All of the boys are memories and that's it. That's all an ex should be... Just a memory. Good memories at the time who eventually for me become regret.
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