I have written my 12 steps of loving yourself (my first chapter), I have shared it with a handful of people and so far they are impressed and amazed at how open and honest I have been. Writing this book has helped me to understand me! It should take a book to do that but re reading it and writing day to day it helps to move on from the past and how I felt back then. This book has helped me deal with my paranoia and how trust issues are stopping me from being happy. I have now realised to just let things go and that I don't need to be in a relationship to make me happy! I don't need to put up a defence barrier anymore like I used to. It was easier for me to out up a barrier so that when a boy would leave me it wouldn't hurt as much... But that kind of didn't work. I've wasted my time with the wrong boys and now it's time for a change. I'm not going to jump into bed with anyone anymore, until I feel as though its leading somewhere... And that's not just sexually.
After years of being stupid and not being on the pill I decided to go on it after 2 years of not being on it. I thought it was a clever idea but my mood swings fly everywhere and hit anyone in the firing line. My moods affect everyone's moods and put a downer on the atmosphere and that's not fair. So lets sort this next bit out poppy. My moods go from liking a boy, to lusting them, to loving them and then to eventually hating them. I do tend to like them after all the battered has passed but only on my own terms. I don't want to feel angry anymore, I need to work out whether its the pill making me feel this way or just my hormones in general?
Looking back I've started to see how me and the boys worked in each others favour. They didn't like to not have sex and I didn't like to not be alone. That arrangement didn't make me 100% happy but it distracted me for a while. As my writing gets worse so do my moods, all because of a little pill? Or maybe just the chemical imbalance? No one would believe what I'm trying to blame it on. I know I get anxious, paranoid and angry but I also get happy,excited and I too fall in love. I have had my heart broken not just from relationships but from the death of lee too.
The amount of heartache I've felt has started to make me wonder am I not even worth being loved? I would rather love someone and not be loved back then someone love me and not have love back in return, because I couldn't deal with knowing that I'm hurting someone else.
No doubt I've been the cause of it all before but I don't want to hurt anymore else again. I do want to have my little bit of something good but that ends up me hurting them, suffocating them with affection. Then out comes paranoid poppy! I always end up feeling like I'm just someone there to fill the space of an empty bed but by me doing that, filling there space ... It's left me with a bigger space in my heart that will be there forever. Seems like such a harsh thing to say but one boy being nice doesn't make up for the many that have picked me up and thrown me away. I'm not saying its all their fault because I played my part too! But in the end I bet they don't feel used.
All of this messing about started after I broke up with my long term ex. I wish I hadn't had such a full on relationship so young because I didn't know how was the right way to deal with the break up. As much as I'm grateful for the memories I hate him for them, because I've been trying to replace the memories and forgotten how to make new ones.
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