Chapter one, part one.

So it all started with a boy and no doubt about it, it will end with a boy too... But not the same one. Can you honestly say I'm a slut? Can you count the amount of people you've slept with on one hand? Would you be ashamed to share how many it was with your brothers and sisters? I'm not ashamed of what I've done in my life yet somehow everyone's views are that I should be. To describe myself in one word I would say easy... Easy to hurt, easy to please, easy to forgive, easy to forget but my life is far from easy. I have came so far throughout my life from being an anxious girl to a young women sorting through these anxieties day to day whatever it may bring. You don't know me well but if you did you would wonder why, well my mum is my rock and my everything she has helped me and shown me how strong our family are, not just as a family but as individuals too.

This is a recovery book, like what my mum has wrote but mines not about drugs and alcohol although alcohol is a big part of my life ... I'm 18 so what! Alcohol makes you love that person a little more, hate that person a little more but yet somehow feel every emotion a little less. That's the magic of it and that's the reason we drink it. We all think its a cure to the troubles in our lives, we try to numb the pain and run away instead of facing them head on. I think I've followed in my mums footsteps by trying to run away and numb the pain. My mum is on her 12th step of recovery and I can do it too! I'm not addicted to any class A drug, but I'm addicted to the feeling of love well not love but that feeling of someone being there making me feel special and relying on them to be my happiness ... But NO MORE.

I never seem to sleep with I boy I genuinely like but look where they are now? No where. The boys I seem to meet don't stick about. Everyone's views on me where the girl who 'put out' but that's not me, I don't want people thinking that about me. Their views were horrible but no more.

The first step of recovery... To make every mistake I possibly can, sounds stupid I know but how can you learn from a mistake if you don't make one? My mum says its okay to make a mistake, but making the same mistake more than once is insanity. Well I fall for the wrong boys over and over again so does that make me insane? Maybe it makes me desperate or lonely? Sitting here trying to write is easy but yet somehow hard, there's so much I have to say, so much I should be ashamed of and so much I want to open up about. It would make sense to me but s blur to everyone else, that's what my brain is, one big blur! A bit muddled up, confused, stressed and basically any other word that means fucked up. That's why I ask myself, do I share this book with people? Will they laugh? Or most of all will they understand? Somehow I instantly know my mum will, she understands everything and doesn't judge me for one second. One day I'll be the same.

The second step... Understand the reasons I made the mistakes. Missing an ex of a long term relationship is sometimes an understatement. I missed him beyond belief when we first broke up and to add onto that the loss of his little brother lee. I can honestly say I never thought a heart could physically break, but when I found out lee had died I felt my heart crumble. I don't want that relationship back, she can have him! I do miss that feeling we had, loving each other and it just being simple and easy. That was the relationship I was trying to fill... But no more.

The third step... Stop searching! I need to just wait for love to find me instead of trying to find something and mould it into 'love'. I've tried to hard to find love shaped like an ex that I haven't let a new kind grow. Always concentrating on the past and things in the past that made me happy in a relationship instead of just letting it take its course. This leads me to the next step...

Step four... Be my own happiness and stop relying on anyone else to make me happy. This book will 
help me help myself, be myself and everything I know I can be. Whether or not I make it through writing this book with a boy by my side I will learn from this.