The balance ...

I'm the first to hold my hands up and say when a relationship isn't working, but I'm the last to give up on a friendship. I think I'm the only one who would say that and actually mean it. I used to think my friends were the only people who I knew would be there for me... But they weren't. I thought it was just a duty of being a friend, something you didn't have to worry about and something that just happened naturally. It's natural to me to be a good friend, so why is it so difficult for others? Maybe I just haven't got good friends!

It's taken me so long and I've gone back and forth and i've came to the conclusion that now is the time to give up on a friendship that is most certainly one sided. Oh so you don't need me do you? Well that's okay but when things fell apart before who was the first to be there? Who was the only one who didn't judge or take sides? Oh that was me was it? Well not anymore... You're on your own. I have always felt like I've been on my own, so I guess that means you've always been a shit friend. I felt alone through every break up whether they were serious ones or not, but I bet you didn't? No of course not, because I was there. It doesn't matter anymore because now I've realised what type of friend I do deserve it has made me not bother with the ones who aren't good enough.

It's the same with boys, now I've seen what it's like to have someone who honestly doesn't want to hurt my feelings, I'm not going to waste my time with ones who act like they do. I understand that some friends are more laid back than others and I get it... I'm 'full on' but wouldn't you rather have someone who cared too much then to not care at all? Because I certainly would. I wouldn't want someone who was unsure on a friendship or relationship because I'm not a maybe person. I hate the word maybe, it's either a yes or no, a here or there and no in between. There can't be one, because if there's is then that's where confusing comes into things, that's when boundaries get crossed and feelings get hurt. And I sure know what it's like to have my feelings hurt.

Relationships...

I thought I knew the foundations to a successful relationship, I couldn't figure out why I had so many failed relationships in the past, I thought I was doing everything right and that they just weren't right for me. You're probably going to read this laughing and thinking that I see myself as a love guru, which I don't! But seeings though I changed my boyfriend more often then I changed my knickers I think I know what a shit relationship is. I'm not religious in any way shape or form, I mean I haven't read the bible and I don't know much about what it contains but I thought I could use the aspect of the Ten Commandments to explain things that I think are needed in a successful relationship, so here are the ten components needed in a good relationship... I might be wrong and I might have the wrong idea of what a good relationship is but I know the type of relationship I want... When I eventually meet someone who will put up with me!

So firstly, friendship; how can you base any relationship without having some sort of friendship there? This is why most rushed relationships I have had haven't worked, because I didn't know much about them and I don't think I wanted to. I think I just wanted a relationship for the sake of it, I didn't know their hopes and dreams and I didn't care about their fears... All I cared about was not being alone.

The second one is trust alongside loyalty, which connects to friendship, how can you have a successful relationship if you haven't learned to trust them, you can't go from being strangers one day to lovers the next how do you know you can trust them? I think my past relationships have failed because I thought I could trust them without even giving them the advantages of being trusted, I would be paranoid and constantly questioning their actions because I hadn't learned to trust them before starting a relationship. I never thought anyone would be loyal to me because I didn't know them enough as a person before I jumped in head first, I thought smothering them would make them loyal and make them think that I cared so much, which is true, I do care so much about everyone... In fact I probably care too much.

Thirdly honesty, yes I have spoken about trust and loyalty but honesty is a bit different. It's the bit where you say 'I fucked up' of course no one wants to be with a cheat, no one deserves to be cheated on and I'm not saying it happens in every relationship but if you can't be honest with yourself then your more than likely not going to be honest to your partner. Okay so honesty can be a little bit sugar coated like the whole 'does my bum look big in this' saying, because if I asked my partner that I would hope they would be honest and say yes! Because I know I have a big bum and I would rather them embrace it with me then to say no. All joking aside ... If you lie to someone once then they will always expect lies to come out of your mouth. That leads back to trust and loyalty, no one will trust you or think you are loyal if your not honest with them.

The forth is forgiveness, I'm not saying if someone does do the dirty on you that you should forgive them, but if there's something your on the fence about or didn't exactly know the full details rather then sack them off...which is one of my previous mistakes, try to work through them. I know that I have millions of things that annoy me and the smallest thing can make me hold a grudge but I need to learn to be more relaxed and not so specific with every little detail because then I won't feel the need to go through the forgiving process which I always seem to hold onto and not get over the thing I've supposedly forgiven them for.

Laughter is the next, now I'm not saying I'm the funniest person you'll ever meet, I probably think I'm more funny then I am but that's okay because it keeps the excitement alive. Yes I laugh at my own jokes, but don't we all? Personally I can't be in a relationship where everything is so serious, I know I can talk about serious things but I also need to laugh and to feel as though I make someone else laugh, I don't mean they have to wet themselves at everything I say because well I would be a bit concerned that they were laughing at my stupidity rather then my jokes.

Now for happiness, there is a thin line between being happy in a relationship and being in a relationship out of habit. I know I've been in relationships in the past because I was comfortable with the situation and I didn't necessarily want to be with them but I didn't want anyone else to either, that's not happiness that's habit... Lucky enough I worked that out sooner rather than later.

The seventh is hope, you might be thinking why would you want a relationship based on hope, well hope is the one thing that keeps a relationship going ... Having the hope you will get through the bad to lead to the good, the hope that things will get better and the hope that maybe if you think your old and wise enough that the person your with could potentially be the person you spend the rest of your life with. I'm not saying that you have to feel that straight away but everyone's hopes are that they have a happy long relationship. I think I had given up on most my relationships too easily, I don't think I hoped anything would get better and that we could work through it, I think I just gave up... Which has made me what I am today and made me learn from giving up.

The next is lust, yes yes yes the word everyone's a bit too scared to say... Sex! I'm not saying every relationship isn't going to work without sex because everyone's relationships are different... Sounds strange but all the things I have said above should really come before having sex with someone... If you want a relationship, if not then fuck away. In the past it wasn't the whole idea of sex that was 'difficult' to get with me, if anything the challenge was to get to know me... Because having sex with someone is pretty easy if you know what your doing but getting to know someone who has shut themselves away from everyone is the difficult bit. If you have had sex with me, I'm not being funny but that's no accomplishment! If you have got to know me, the real me and still stuck about well that's the accomplishment.

The ninth is compromise, a word I really learned the meaning to yesterday. How can you be in a relationship if your not prepared to compromise a bit of your time and effort and give it to someone who maybe you hadn't done before. A relationship won't last forever if it's one sided, because the person that's making all the effort... Which is usually me always gets fed up of being the only one who cares. Compromising doesn't just mean giving someone a bit of your time, it also works when you need to compromise to give yourself a bit of time and stop giving it all to someone else. Compromising isn't difficult if you feel it's worth it.

The tenth is love... Now I'm the type of person who believes in love at first sight, this doesn't mean the second we meet I will love you straight away but first impressions can set off millions of thoughts, feelings and hope for the future. I don't believe you can learn to love someone, it's just something that happens at any time and for any reason. You don't have to love someone to be in a relationship with them but if the relationship has every factor then love will form. Right time, right place and right person.

Me.

Don't call me crazy, stupid, mad or full on. To me that's all normal, it's something that my head thinks is right and it's a part of me. You may think I over react to things or I'm full on but to me that's the right way to go about it all. When you know me as well as you'll ever need to you'll realise that everything I do is nature to me, it's not me going off on one because it's just the way I deal with things. I don't have to put up with people who constantly put me down and call me things which to me make no sense to me. Is this putting you off me? Making you think I'm 'crazy' ? Because I've had enough of all them names being thrown at me ... I'm me! And like I've said before ... I'm NOT perfect, I've never claimed to be. Learn to love my flaws or don't love me at all.

I'm not going to change for anyone because in my head I'm reacting the same way that you should... If you cared as much as i do. Okay so I'm obviously not right for anyone I've met so far but that doesn't bother me because they haven't been right for me either. Deal with me or don't but just don't waste my time letting me think you care. Don't make me feel 100 feet tall to just knock me down again. If you think I'm mad what do you think your negativity towards me is going to achieve? I'm my worst critic and I don't need anyone else to try and compete for that role.

Oh boy.

I haven't wrote on my blog for a while now and thought it was about time I updated it! This is probably the longest I've been single in a while and usually I would have sacked off a few boys after a week of 'seeing' them, because I push and push to see how much I can until they break and walk away. I'm not entirely sure why I do it, I think it's just to put them through their paces and see how much of me they can take.

I know I'm impossible but how long will it take them to realise and get fed up. I know there's a few things I need to work on like being too keen and trying to get into a relationship before I have figured out if I even like them that much. I also need to work on trusting people but trust is earned not given so I don't owe them anything from the start, they have to prove it ...not by doing certain things but just by being themselves.

I'm not going to lie I like being in a relationship, I like the security and reassurance that someone is there for me. I like knowing that someone thinks good of me instead of these little patches where I feel not important to anyone. I put so much effort and thought into every little detail once I've met someone, probably to show them that yes I can be moody, snap and a bit unpredictable but I do think a lot of them and I do want things to work even if one minute I'm up and the next I'm down.

It's difficult to understand someone when your not in a relationship with them, well from my point of view anyway. I never know how much is too much, or when to let them have my trust when usually it gets broken almost straight away. Until you understand me you can't be with me, well that's going to be difficult because half the stuff I do or say I don't really understand but there's always reasons behind it. If your the boy that understands me and comes back time after time because there's just something there you don't want to give up on... Then your right for me and if you have read all my blog and still see me the same as you already did ... Then your right for me.

I'm not saying this 'boy' already exists and I'm not saying we will live happily ever after because you never know what's round the corner but if your the boy who has read this and still thinks he can make it work... The rest doesn't need to be said.