Medication, meditation and relaxation

Medication, meditation and relaxation.




I haven't wrote in a while, I guess the medication numbed my writing skills as well as my brain. Been off my medication for just over a week now and I'm starting to feel more alive. I'm starting to feel every emotion again, all at once and it's making me feel like I'm having a breakdown. I'm having to learn how to deal with these emotions again and it feels like a bad memory that's flooding back. Coping with this again is a bit like riding a bike again after so many years, I know how to do it, the skills are there, I'll get bumps and grazes along the way, maybe even a helping hand, although it's hard to accept a helping hand when you know you can do it alone as you have done before. Getting back on that bike is scary, you loose your balance and regain it and you have to go through the wobbly bit to get to the smooth ride... But it can be done. It's exhausting and frustrating but you've got to keep it up because giving in just isn't an option. Especially when you're me and weaning yourself off of antidepressants.

Today I have stopped the second lot of medication and the real struggle of emotions and the battle with my anxious thoughts has begun. There's only so many times the medication can be blamed for feeling good or having a bad day. There's only so many times you can be asked 'have you taken your medication today?' The amount of frustration I have in my head is ridiculous, all because I can't explain how I'm feeling to anyone because they won't understand... Accept from my mum. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience, I feel like there's pressure on my skull, I feel like holding this pen on the paper and scribbling as hard and fast as I can ... Because that might let a bit of steam out the pot! But if I done that I would look like an even crazier women. To make matters worse I've just came on my period... And now I'm verging on turning into the hulk if my boyfriend says one more thing to me.

On the other hand having a grouchy toddler who's just had her vaccinations is a relief compared to the amount of stress I have in my head at the moment. Looking after my daughter gets me out of my head for a while and puts a smile on my face, I don't struggle to look after her... She's a breeze compared to physco Poppy.

The side affects of stopping my medication are getting worse. I feel like If I sleep I won't ever wake up... The doctors say this is normal.. But when you suffer anxiety nothing is normal if your not use to it. I feel like I need some sort of sugar rush to get me out of this daze I've been in for the past week or so.

A baby on the way ...

Since the day I knew you existed I've loved you. I'm writing down how I feel during this pregnancy so when your older I can read it to you, I can show you how close we were at this stage, after all you are made from me... And your dad.  I'm going to be completely honestly with you ... You weren't planned and me and your dad certainly didn't expect this to happen from a love that hadn't even formed and a love we weren't sure would exist.  Just because we aren't together doesn't mean that our love for you will be any different then if we were. I'm so grateful that I met your dad because in less then 6 months I will have the most precious gift in my arms. Like I said ... You weren't expected but you are the greatest surprise I  will  ever receive in my lifetime.  I found out you existed on January the 7th 2014 but I had a gut feeling you existed before I had the proof. Both me and your dad were shocked and  scared but nothing scares me more then not being able to see you every day! I've had  3 scans already in the space most people only have 1!  I'm 13 weeks pregnant with you now and your a fully formed tiny baby! When I was 5 weeks pregnant I had a scan and saw just a tiny flicker on the screen,  I first saw you the 21sf of January. Then this Tuesday I saw your fully formed body, face and heartbeat, I've got print outs that I can show you... So tiny! You have a nose and well I'm not too sure what parents nose you would have a gift to have but looking  at you... You are perfect. I've never felt this way before  in my life. Seeing you on the screen and knowing that your growing inside me is so surreal. Knowing that me and your dad made you makes me even more grateful for meeting him! I can't talk on behalf of anyone else but I can PROMISE you that I do/will love you every second of everyday. You are going to join a family that really know what unconditional love is. We all know that you can love someone and not see them everyday, so don't for one second doubt the  amount you are loved because it's more then you will ever know. I can promise you that you will have the most Amazing role models in your life, your grandad and uncles  are the most loving, caring and protective men in this world and you will never have to feel scared or alone with this family around. The females are just as great... Your aunties are the creative ones, showing you how to make things from love.. Which is what your made of. Your aunties will fix any problem you have with a simple hug, just like they do for me. Your nanny  is the best, she grew me from nothing into a tiny baby just like what I'm doing with you... That's the gift mothers have. It's an amazing gift, something I'm experiencing as we speak. I promise you that I will always be open and honest with you, just like my mum has been with me. I've learned from the best so I will show you the best I can too. I love you even though I haven't held you in my arms, people say they believe in love at first sight... But I've loved you from the moment I knew you existed. That's the beauty of motherhood. Endless love.

Jealousy ...

Everyone thinks the green eyed monster is a bad thing... I don't 100 percent agree. I have been in the most jealous obsessive relationship you could think of, I mistook the obsession for caring! And so did he! We were jealous of friends of the opposite sex and took everything as a dig at our relationship. I've also been in a relationship where there was no jealousy at all because I didn't care enough! Being jealous isn't such a bad thing, it means you care but being over jealous is one of my flaws and something I know I have to control.

I get jealous Sometimes when I don't feel like I'm getting the attention I'm obviously craving and their too busy giving it to someone else. I have so much love, time and effort to give, I have so many different sides to me and my jealousy comes out when I'm not given the time and chance to show all of me. I have took my jealousy under control and I'm not an obsessive jealous anymore, I've learned from that because it didn't work in the past. I do still get jealous, I'm always going to be the jealous type. I'm only the caring jealous, I get jealous because I care and not because I'm obsessed with them and I need their attention... Of course I want their attention but from the start I will look for their attention and not hope that they will eventually want to give me attention. I'm not an attention seeker because wanting your boyfriends attention isn't attention seeking, it's just something that's meant to be in your relationship. I might be the only one who thinks this but when I'm in a relationship I do expect to get enough attention that I feel like I'm in a relationship and not just a friendship. 

I know I'm difficult to please but it's because the moment I feel as though their not what I want I end it... I thought it was a bad thing that I just walk away when I feel like things aren't working. My friends and sisters have said it's not such a bad thing to let something go that I'm not 100 percent happy with. I don't want an over jealous boyfriend, but I do want someone who shows they are interested. 

Er you grew up on a council estate.

So there was always a stigma with growing up on a council estate well especially when I was at secondary school. It was frowned at and felt like I should have been ashamed to live in a council house. Views on council houses can vary from people thinking your poor and can't afford anything to the assumption that you don't even work! Near enough my whole childhood I have lived in  a council house and to tell you the truth... It's just a homey.

When I used to go to school everyone used to call our estate the 'corn beef island' now many rumours have gone round of why it was called that and one was that people who lived on that estate could only afford corn beef! Now I find it incredibly funny but back then it hit a nerve. Back then I was ashamed that I wore my sisters hand me downs and that we didn't get pocket money but now I'm proud and glad we had that growing up. I'm not saying we were hard done by, far from it. We had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies so we didn't really go without. My step dad (who you know I class as my real dad) brought us 5 kids up and worked 2 jobs to help support us, some people may think that we were desperate for money by him working 2 jobs, but he enjoyed them both and well of course the money was needed. I would hate to think people look down on my family, my dad has sacrificed so much for his kids and that on its own is something I am proud of.

So apparently you get no where growing up on a council estate well let me just clear a few little things up. Not everyone who lives in council estate doesn't work, actually most people I knew on the estate had jobs. The success rate might be lower for those who live on a council estates to get good jobs but my family have proven the judgemental people wrong.

So my dad worked at a secondary school in the P.E department and now has just got a new job with working with young people. My older brother is a carpenter and although he didn't get good GCSE's he has found a job he enjoys and that he is good at. My eldest sister has graduated university and is now looking to sign up for potentially the police. My other sister works in insurance and has recently moved in with her long term boyfriend. My little brother has finished his course at catering college and is now working towards becoming a chef! Then there's my mum, who yes didn't live on the estate with us for long but has changed her life around and now works as a drug and alcohol misuse worker and recently got a promotion!

Lastly there's me, took me a while to find the right path, made a few mistakes here and there like we ALL do. Got pretty good GCSE'S and left school before I sat my A levels. There's been times where I have regretted leaving higher education, thinking that the best job I could get was cleaning the toilets in some local pub but I set my sites on something higher and something I really didn't have any confidence or knowledge about. I worked in cafe Nero for a year in a few different shops, working my way up the so called 'food chain' but still wasn't happy with that job! So I quit, I started to work in a pub and well didn't really like that at all. One day I came to visit my mum in a small town in West Sussex. We walked through town and I saw a Job advertisement in the window of Santander bank! I took one look at it and thought there's no way I would get that job because I have no A levels or a degree or anything that could possibly get me the job. My mum on the other hand told me to just got for it... So I did! Thinking that I would never get a call, I finally did!

They invited me for an interview where I sat there replying to every question with 'I don't know'. Maybe that was the wrong way to go about it but I knew that there was no way I could wing an answer with a bank manager! During our discussion of previous jobs and experience, I got asked 'are you ashamed you didn't go to university' and I took a moment to take in what he had asked and my answer was; I'm not ashamed I didn't go to university, it is a shame though as I would have loved the experience but it just wasn't the right option for me. Thinking I had screwed my interview up completely I went in search the same day for a new job as I wanted to move to my mums. Ten minutes after the interview I got a phone call offering me the job! I couldn't believe it! I cried my eyes out and asked why I had got it and his answer was that my attitude really drew them to me, they liked the fact that I didn't know much about banking but yet I still had the courage to go to the interview!

I'm not going to lie ... I did wonder whether to take the job or not. This was a 'grown up' job and something I was so nervous about. After a while of going back and forth I finally took the job. I also quit the job 8 months later FOR A BOY! Which I can not say enough times that I regret! Never again will I give up a job that made me feel like I was worth more then what I thought about myself. After a while of searching again I have now found myself another job in a different bank and I am so proud of myself! It has taught me that I am worth a second chance at a good job... And this one I will NOT quit! Especially for my latest squeeze. Having positivity around me helped me get the job, helped me pass my driving test and gives me the strength to strive for the best! If I were to of let everyone who thought growing up on a council estate was shameful get in my head I wouldn't have succeeded in everything I'm so proud to have accomplished.

I won't let anyone bring me down... So you shouldn't either.

The balance ...

I'm the first to hold my hands up and say when a relationship isn't working, but I'm the last to give up on a friendship. I think I'm the only one who would say that and actually mean it. I used to think my friends were the only people who I knew would be there for me... But they weren't. I thought it was just a duty of being a friend, something you didn't have to worry about and something that just happened naturally. It's natural to me to be a good friend, so why is it so difficult for others? Maybe I just haven't got good friends!

It's taken me so long and I've gone back and forth and i've came to the conclusion that now is the time to give up on a friendship that is most certainly one sided. Oh so you don't need me do you? Well that's okay but when things fell apart before who was the first to be there? Who was the only one who didn't judge or take sides? Oh that was me was it? Well not anymore... You're on your own. I have always felt like I've been on my own, so I guess that means you've always been a shit friend. I felt alone through every break up whether they were serious ones or not, but I bet you didn't? No of course not, because I was there. It doesn't matter anymore because now I've realised what type of friend I do deserve it has made me not bother with the ones who aren't good enough.

It's the same with boys, now I've seen what it's like to have someone who honestly doesn't want to hurt my feelings, I'm not going to waste my time with ones who act like they do. I understand that some friends are more laid back than others and I get it... I'm 'full on' but wouldn't you rather have someone who cared too much then to not care at all? Because I certainly would. I wouldn't want someone who was unsure on a friendship or relationship because I'm not a maybe person. I hate the word maybe, it's either a yes or no, a here or there and no in between. There can't be one, because if there's is then that's where confusing comes into things, that's when boundaries get crossed and feelings get hurt. And I sure know what it's like to have my feelings hurt.

Relationships...

I thought I knew the foundations to a successful relationship, I couldn't figure out why I had so many failed relationships in the past, I thought I was doing everything right and that they just weren't right for me. You're probably going to read this laughing and thinking that I see myself as a love guru, which I don't! But seeings though I changed my boyfriend more often then I changed my knickers I think I know what a shit relationship is. I'm not religious in any way shape or form, I mean I haven't read the bible and I don't know much about what it contains but I thought I could use the aspect of the Ten Commandments to explain things that I think are needed in a successful relationship, so here are the ten components needed in a good relationship... I might be wrong and I might have the wrong idea of what a good relationship is but I know the type of relationship I want... When I eventually meet someone who will put up with me!

So firstly, friendship; how can you base any relationship without having some sort of friendship there? This is why most rushed relationships I have had haven't worked, because I didn't know much about them and I don't think I wanted to. I think I just wanted a relationship for the sake of it, I didn't know their hopes and dreams and I didn't care about their fears... All I cared about was not being alone.

The second one is trust alongside loyalty, which connects to friendship, how can you have a successful relationship if you haven't learned to trust them, you can't go from being strangers one day to lovers the next how do you know you can trust them? I think my past relationships have failed because I thought I could trust them without even giving them the advantages of being trusted, I would be paranoid and constantly questioning their actions because I hadn't learned to trust them before starting a relationship. I never thought anyone would be loyal to me because I didn't know them enough as a person before I jumped in head first, I thought smothering them would make them loyal and make them think that I cared so much, which is true, I do care so much about everyone... In fact I probably care too much.

Thirdly honesty, yes I have spoken about trust and loyalty but honesty is a bit different. It's the bit where you say 'I fucked up' of course no one wants to be with a cheat, no one deserves to be cheated on and I'm not saying it happens in every relationship but if you can't be honest with yourself then your more than likely not going to be honest to your partner. Okay so honesty can be a little bit sugar coated like the whole 'does my bum look big in this' saying, because if I asked my partner that I would hope they would be honest and say yes! Because I know I have a big bum and I would rather them embrace it with me then to say no. All joking aside ... If you lie to someone once then they will always expect lies to come out of your mouth. That leads back to trust and loyalty, no one will trust you or think you are loyal if your not honest with them.

The forth is forgiveness, I'm not saying if someone does do the dirty on you that you should forgive them, but if there's something your on the fence about or didn't exactly know the full details rather then sack them off...which is one of my previous mistakes, try to work through them. I know that I have millions of things that annoy me and the smallest thing can make me hold a grudge but I need to learn to be more relaxed and not so specific with every little detail because then I won't feel the need to go through the forgiving process which I always seem to hold onto and not get over the thing I've supposedly forgiven them for.

Laughter is the next, now I'm not saying I'm the funniest person you'll ever meet, I probably think I'm more funny then I am but that's okay because it keeps the excitement alive. Yes I laugh at my own jokes, but don't we all? Personally I can't be in a relationship where everything is so serious, I know I can talk about serious things but I also need to laugh and to feel as though I make someone else laugh, I don't mean they have to wet themselves at everything I say because well I would be a bit concerned that they were laughing at my stupidity rather then my jokes.

Now for happiness, there is a thin line between being happy in a relationship and being in a relationship out of habit. I know I've been in relationships in the past because I was comfortable with the situation and I didn't necessarily want to be with them but I didn't want anyone else to either, that's not happiness that's habit... Lucky enough I worked that out sooner rather than later.

The seventh is hope, you might be thinking why would you want a relationship based on hope, well hope is the one thing that keeps a relationship going ... Having the hope you will get through the bad to lead to the good, the hope that things will get better and the hope that maybe if you think your old and wise enough that the person your with could potentially be the person you spend the rest of your life with. I'm not saying that you have to feel that straight away but everyone's hopes are that they have a happy long relationship. I think I had given up on most my relationships too easily, I don't think I hoped anything would get better and that we could work through it, I think I just gave up... Which has made me what I am today and made me learn from giving up.

The next is lust, yes yes yes the word everyone's a bit too scared to say... Sex! I'm not saying every relationship isn't going to work without sex because everyone's relationships are different... Sounds strange but all the things I have said above should really come before having sex with someone... If you want a relationship, if not then fuck away. In the past it wasn't the whole idea of sex that was 'difficult' to get with me, if anything the challenge was to get to know me... Because having sex with someone is pretty easy if you know what your doing but getting to know someone who has shut themselves away from everyone is the difficult bit. If you have had sex with me, I'm not being funny but that's no accomplishment! If you have got to know me, the real me and still stuck about well that's the accomplishment.

The ninth is compromise, a word I really learned the meaning to yesterday. How can you be in a relationship if your not prepared to compromise a bit of your time and effort and give it to someone who maybe you hadn't done before. A relationship won't last forever if it's one sided, because the person that's making all the effort... Which is usually me always gets fed up of being the only one who cares. Compromising doesn't just mean giving someone a bit of your time, it also works when you need to compromise to give yourself a bit of time and stop giving it all to someone else. Compromising isn't difficult if you feel it's worth it.

The tenth is love... Now I'm the type of person who believes in love at first sight, this doesn't mean the second we meet I will love you straight away but first impressions can set off millions of thoughts, feelings and hope for the future. I don't believe you can learn to love someone, it's just something that happens at any time and for any reason. You don't have to love someone to be in a relationship with them but if the relationship has every factor then love will form. Right time, right place and right person.

Me.

Don't call me crazy, stupid, mad or full on. To me that's all normal, it's something that my head thinks is right and it's a part of me. You may think I over react to things or I'm full on but to me that's the right way to go about it all. When you know me as well as you'll ever need to you'll realise that everything I do is nature to me, it's not me going off on one because it's just the way I deal with things. I don't have to put up with people who constantly put me down and call me things which to me make no sense to me. Is this putting you off me? Making you think I'm 'crazy' ? Because I've had enough of all them names being thrown at me ... I'm me! And like I've said before ... I'm NOT perfect, I've never claimed to be. Learn to love my flaws or don't love me at all.

I'm not going to change for anyone because in my head I'm reacting the same way that you should... If you cared as much as i do. Okay so I'm obviously not right for anyone I've met so far but that doesn't bother me because they haven't been right for me either. Deal with me or don't but just don't waste my time letting me think you care. Don't make me feel 100 feet tall to just knock me down again. If you think I'm mad what do you think your negativity towards me is going to achieve? I'm my worst critic and I don't need anyone else to try and compete for that role.