Medication, meditation and relaxation.
I haven't wrote in a while, I guess the medication numbed my writing skills as well as my brain. Been off my medication for just over a week now and I'm starting to feel more alive. I'm starting to feel every emotion again, all at once and it's making me feel like I'm having a breakdown. I'm having to learn how to deal with these emotions again and it feels like a bad memory that's flooding back. Coping with this again is a bit like riding a bike again after so many years, I know how to do it, the skills are there, I'll get bumps and grazes along the way, maybe even a helping hand, although it's hard to accept a helping hand when you know you can do it alone as you have done before. Getting back on that bike is scary, you loose your balance and regain it and you have to go through the wobbly bit to get to the smooth ride... But it can be done. It's exhausting and frustrating but you've got to keep it up because giving in just isn't an option. Especially when you're me and weaning yourself off of antidepressants.
Today I have stopped the second lot of medication and the real struggle of emotions and the battle with my anxious thoughts has begun. There's only so many times the medication can be blamed for feeling good or having a bad day. There's only so many times you can be asked 'have you taken your medication today?' The amount of frustration I have in my head is ridiculous, all because I can't explain how I'm feeling to anyone because they won't understand... Accept from my mum. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience, I feel like there's pressure on my skull, I feel like holding this pen on the paper and scribbling as hard and fast as I can ... Because that might let a bit of steam out the pot! But if I done that I would look like an even crazier women. To make matters worse I've just came on my period... And now I'm verging on turning into the hulk if my boyfriend says one more thing to me.
On the other hand having a grouchy toddler who's just had her vaccinations is a relief compared to the amount of stress I have in my head at the moment. Looking after my daughter gets me out of my head for a while and puts a smile on my face, I don't struggle to look after her... She's a breeze compared to physco Poppy.
The side affects of stopping my medication are getting worse. I feel like If I sleep I won't ever wake up... The doctors say this is normal.. But when you suffer anxiety nothing is normal if your not use to it. I feel like I need some sort of sugar rush to get me out of this daze I've been in for the past week or so.
